I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I was an only child, eventually.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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