I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
What do batteries run on?
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
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