In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I had amnesia once or twice.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
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