A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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