Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
I never met a kid I liked.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.
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