I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.
It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
I like children - fried.
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can't insult the customers.
All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
Never work with animals or children.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
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