When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
Never give a sucker an even break.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
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