Robert Benchley Quotes - Page 5

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• But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties.

  Robert Benchley

  Moving, Salary, Tasks

  Robert Benchley (1976). “Chips Off the Old Benchley”, Amereon Limited

  4 Copy quote

• I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and give the rest to the nearest monkey.

  Robert Benchley

  Two, Giving, Monkeys

  Robert Benchley (2016). “My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew”, p.282, Pickle Partners Publishing

  4 Copy quote

• In preparing the soil for planting, you will need several tools. Dynamite would be a beautiful thing to use, but it would have a tendency to get the dirt into the front-hall and track up the stairs.

  Robert Benchley

  Beautiful, Track, Tools

  Robert Benchley (1925). “Of All Things”

  9 Copy quote

• Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous.

  Robert Benchley

  Death, Suicide, Men

  Robert Benchley (2010). “The Athletic Benchley: 105 Exercises from the Detroit Athletic Club News”, Glendower Media

  17 Copy quote

• A child of three cannot raise its chubby fist to its mouth to remove a piece of carpet which it is through eating, without being made the subject of a psychological seminar of child-welfare experts, and written up, along with five hundred other children of three who have put their hands to their mouths for the same reason.

  Robert Benchley

  Children, Hands, Childhood

  Robert Benchley (1970). “Benchley Lost and Found: 39 Prodigal Pieces”, p.69, Courier Corporation

  4 Copy quote

• There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

  Robert Benchley

  Money, Income, Way

  7 Copy quote

• There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy...should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty.

  Robert Benchley

  Dog, Boys, Healthy

  4 Copy quote

• It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation.

  Robert Benchley

  Riches, Chosen, Quotations

  Benchley - Or Else! (1947)

  4 Copy quote

• Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one

  Robert Benchley

  Mother, Dog, Animal

  14 Copy quote

• When we think back to our forefathers, with their sedentary lives of forest-chopping, railroad-building, fortune-founding, their fox-hunting and Indian taming, their prancing about in the mazurka and the polka, with their coattails flying and their bustles bouncing, to say nothing of their all-day sessions with the port and straight bourbon,... we must realize that we are a nation, not of neurasthenics, but of sissies and slow-motion sports.

  Robert Benchley

  Sports, Exercise, Thinking

  8 Copy quote

• One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery.

  Robert Benchley

  Funny, Humor, Feet

  4 Copy quote

• I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new school was taking up Silas Marner, with the result that it was the only book in the English language that I knew until I was eighteen--but, boy, did I know Silas Marner!

  Robert Benchley

  Book, School, Boys

  Robert Benchley (1976). “Chips Off the Old Benchley”, Amereon Limited

  5 Copy quote

• Sunday morning may be cheery enough, with its extra cup of coffee and litter of Sunday newspapers, but there is always hanging over it the ominous threat of 3 P.M., when the sun gets around to the back windows and life stops dead in its tracks.

  Robert Benchley

  Morning, Coffee, Sunday

  Robert Benchley (1946). “One Minute, Please”

  4 Copy quote

• Birds which are the same color as the foliage in which they nest are less likely to be disturbed by other birds who want to drop in and chat, and therefore last longer.

  Robert Benchley

  Color, Bird, Lasts

  Robert Benchley (1976). “Chips Off the Old Benchley”, Amereon Limited

  5 Copy quote

• I can get dressed earlier in the evening with every intention of going to a dance at midnight, but somehow after the theatre the thing to do seems to be either to go to bed or sit around somewhere. It doesn't seem possible that somewhere people can be expecting you at an hour like that.

  Robert Benchley

  Dance, People, Theatre

  7 Copy quote

• What is to be done with people who can't read a Sunday paper without messing it all up?... Show me a Sunday paper which has been left in a condition fit only for kite flying, and I will show you an antisocial and dangerous character who has left it that way.

  Robert Benchley

  Character, Sunday, People

  Robert Benchley (1932). “No Poems”

  5 Copy quote

• Next to an old-fashioned church social, or possibly a monster bridge party, there is no buzz which can equal the sibilant buzz ofa matinée.

  Robert Benchley

  Party, Bridges, Church

  4 Copy quote

• If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from.

  Robert Benchley

  Law, Comedy, Natural

  5 Copy quote

• Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men.

  Robert Benchley

  Men, Ice, Pitcher

  Robert Benchley (1943). “Benchley beside himself”

  4 Copy quote

• It must be a source of great chagrin to those in charge to think of so many people being able to stick a stamp on a letter and drop it in a mail box without any trouble or suffering at all. They are probably working on a system this very minute, trying to devise some way in which the public can be made to fill out a blank, stand in line, consult some underling who will refer him to a superior, and then be made to black up with burned cork before they can mail a letter.

  Robert Benchley

  Thinking, People, Suffering

  4 Copy quote

• One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.

  Robert Benchley

  Justice, Exotic, Enthusiasm

  Robert Benchley (2016). “My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew”, p.303, Pickle Partners Publishing

  4 Copy quote

• In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

  Robert Benchley

  Funny, Home, Humor

  Robert Benchley (1954). “The Benchley Roundup”

  4 Copy quote

• Streets flooded. Please advise.

  Robert Benchley

  Venice, Please, Advise

  Quoted in The AlgonquinWits, ed. Robert E. Drennan (1968)

  6 Copy quote

• The discovery of phobias by psychiatrists has done much to clear the atmosphere. Whereas in the old days a person would say: 'Let's get the heck out of here!' today she says: 'Let's get the heck out of here! I've got claustrophobia.

  Robert Benchley

  Discovery, Atmosphere, Done

  Robert Benchley (2016). “My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew”, p.262, Pickle Partners Publishing

  4 Copy quote

• An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.

  Robert Benchley

  Teamwork, Games, Preparation

  Robert Benchley (2010). “The Athletic Benchley: 105 Exercises from the Detroit Athletic Club News”, Glendower Media

  24 Copy quote

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