Jerry Seinfeld Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Mcdonalds, Goal, Want

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• You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Kids, Feet, People

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• Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Fun, Skills, Having Fun

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• Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Blue, White, Clothes

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• Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Complaining, Way, Comedy

  Twitter post from Aug 06, 2011

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• We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape, we didn't get a good night's sleep, we're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Good Night, Coffee, Sleep

  "So Jerry Seinfeld Called Us To Talk About Coffee". "Morning Edition" with Steve Inskeep, www.npr.org. April 26, 2013.

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• All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  People, Laughing, Making People Laugh

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• Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Kids, Boys, Missing

  "Fictional character: Jerry Seinfeld". 'Seinfeld' ('The Seven'), Season 7, Episode 13, February 01, 1996.

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• Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny Love, Commitment, Thinking

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• Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Hate, People, Ugh

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• I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, People, Chinese

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• With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  School, Thinking, Touching

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• There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  People, Sick, World

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• A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Nice, Water, Surfing

  Source: www.indielondon.co.uk

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• The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Kids, Exercise, Blessing

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• Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Men, Organization, Groups

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• You can be passionate about anything.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Passionate

  "Oprah Talks to Jerry Seinfeld". Interview with Oprah Winfrey, www.oprah.com. November, 2007.

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• Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Mean, Sick, Laughing

  "Fictional character: Jerry Seinfeld". "Seinfeld/ The Pez Dispenser", January 1992.

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• There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Smart, Helping, Lifestyle

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• You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Giving Up, World, Might

  "Philadelphia Has A Brotherly Love Affair With Sweats". Interview with Robert Siegel, www.npr.org. October 12, 2012.

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• Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Dad, Golf, Games

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• The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Real, Night

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• That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Breakup, Two, Three

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• Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Halloween, Self, Years

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• I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up?

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Hate, Waiting Rooms, Chance

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