Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.

  Christopher Titus

  Inspiration, Successful, Feel Good

  "Titus / Life Forward". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  29 Copy quote

• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Father, Party

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

  19 Copy quote

• I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!

  Christopher Titus

  Kids, Blood, Giving

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  20 Copy quote

• So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!

  Christopher Titus

  Brother, Mean, Past

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!

  Christopher Titus

  Good Night, Dad, Light

  "Titus / When I Say Jump". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  16 Copy quote

• My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Divorce, Thinking

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2009.

  28 Copy quote

• When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Pay The Price, California

  "Titus / Three Strikes". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  18 Copy quote

• Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Acceptance, Boys

  "Titus / Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  8 Copy quote

• Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

  Christopher Titus

  Practice, Abortion, Devil

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  20 Copy quote

• The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

  Christopher Titus

  Liars, Wife, Honor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  21 Copy quote

• Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

  Christopher Titus

  Needs

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

• Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

  Christopher Titus

  Broken, News, Hey

  "Titus"(TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  18 Copy quote

• Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Thinking, Water

  "Titus / Same Courtesy". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  13 Copy quote

• Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

  Christopher Titus

  Soul, Trophies, Generations

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  14 Copy quote

• Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.

  Christopher Titus

  Love You, Someone You Love, Want

  "Titus / Private Dave". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  10 Copy quote

• And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Husband, Father

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

  Christopher Titus

  Success, Hurdle, Success Failure

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.

  Christopher Titus

  Keys, Squares, Years

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

• Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

  Christopher Titus

  Emotion, Auschwitz

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". www.imdb.com. 2009.

  13 Copy quote

• Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

  Christopher Titus

  Past, Fire, Sometimes

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  7 Copy quote

• My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

  Christopher Titus

  Car, Groups, Rolling

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  13 Copy quote

• At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Daddy, Trials

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

  Christopher Titus

  Perfect, People, Soul

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  10 Copy quote

• The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.

  Christopher Titus

  Wall, Men, America

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  13 Copy quote

• Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Booty, Life Is

  "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  37 Copy quote

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