Christopher Titus Quotes

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• Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, Believe, Heart

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

  Christopher Titus

  Leader, Crowds, Causes

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a dysfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Father, Mean

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

  Christopher Titus

  Baseball, Philosophy, Philosophical

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was built on shame, humiliation and striving to be better. By the way, if you're in this room right now and you're successful... you didn't get there because someone loved you too much or gave you too many hugs or you got a trophy when you lost. You did it because at one point in your life, somebody turned to you and said you're a loser, and in that second, you decided to bust your ass to make them choke on that sentence... Or, your parents gave you the money.

  Christopher Titus

  Country, Successful, Parent

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

  Christopher Titus

  Normal, Deranged

  "Titus". www.imdb.com. 2000.

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• And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

  Christopher Titus

  Who I Am, Arrogant, Sprinkles

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

  Christopher Titus

  Succeed, Failing, Findings

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.

  Christopher Titus

  Children, Father, Kids

  "Titus / The Visit". www.imdb.com. 2002.

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• My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Home, Divorce

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Smell

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Thinking, Water

  "Titus / Same Courtesy". www.imdb.com. 2002.

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• I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

  Christopher Titus

  Believe, Alcohol, Oreos

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

  Christopher Titus

  Thinking, Brain, Rebel

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

  Christopher Titus

  Needs

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

  Christopher Titus

  Uncles, Love Is, Drug

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

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• When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Pay The Price, California

  "Titus / Three Strikes". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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• Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

  Christopher Titus

  Soulmate, Dad, Believe

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

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• My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Divorce, Thinking

  "Christopher Titus: Love Is Evol". Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2009.

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• Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.

  Christopher Titus

  Inspiration, Successful, Feel Good

  "Titus / Life Forward". www.imdb.com. 2001.

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• Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

  Christopher Titus

  Crazy, Night, Dating

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

  Christopher Titus

  Couple, Father, Party

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

  Christopher Titus

  Soul, Trophies, Generations

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

  Christopher Titus

  Car, Groups, Rolling

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

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• The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.

  Christopher Titus

  Wall, Men, America

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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