Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

  Christopher Titus

  Divorce, Soul, Pounds

  "Love is Evol". Stand-up comedy, 2009.

  15 Copy quote

• Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

  Christopher Titus

  Fishing, Television, Next

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.

  Christopher Titus

  Dream, Kings, Real

  "Titus / Grad School". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  9 Copy quote

• I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

  Christopher Titus

  White, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

• In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Heart, Opportunity

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  11 Copy quote

• Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.

  Christopher Titus

  Book, Thinking, Should

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  4 Copy quote

• We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

  Christopher Titus

  Real, Black, President

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  11 Copy quote

• I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

  Christopher Titus

  Uncles, Love Is, Drug

  "Christopher Titus: Norman Rockwell Is Bleeding". Comedy, One-man Show, www.imdb.com. June 06, 2004.

  10 Copy quote

• Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.

  Christopher Titus

  Girlfriend, Dad, Father

  "Titus / NASCAR". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  12 Copy quote

• Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

  Christopher Titus

  War, Men, Two

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

• Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of a fascist dictator. But dictators have dreams too. Your dad doesn't. He gave them up when he had you. So remember that next time you say, I don't want to cut the lawn. Just shut up and mow the grass and save the lip for your teachers.

  Christopher Titus

  Dream, Teacher, Dad

  "Titus / The Pit". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  5 Copy quote

• I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, Dad, Father

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

  Christopher Titus

  Yearbook, Fireman

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Jobs, Teenage

  "Titus / Errrr". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  13 Copy quote

• In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

  Christopher Titus

  Fathers Day, Nice, Party

  6 Copy quote

• Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

  Christopher Titus

  Proof, Carols, Bowie

  "Christopher Titus: Neverlution", www.imdb.com. 2011.

  12 Copy quote

• They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

  Christopher Titus

  Jumping, Eggs, Guy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

• I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight.

  Christopher Titus

  Mom, Dad, Father

  8 Copy quote

• Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Grandma, Parent

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  6 Copy quote

• Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

  Christopher Titus

  Uncles, Party, Men

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  11 Copy quote

• My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

  Christopher Titus

  Encouragement, Dad, Support

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  8 Copy quote

• I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

  Christopher Titus

  Succeed, Loser, Turds

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.

  Christopher Titus

  Song, Wall, Growing Up

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  9 Copy quote

• Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

  Christopher Titus

  Dollars, Seven, Babysitter

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

  Christopher Titus

  White, House, President

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  9 Copy quote

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