Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Three, Tails

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  13 Copy quote

• There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!

  Christopher Titus

  Girl, Years, Two

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  8 Copy quote

• I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Lying, Night

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Funny Work

  11 Copy quote

• Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Wel, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."

  Christopher Titus

  Hurt, Growing Up, Pain

  "Titus / Racing in the Streets". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  6 Copy quote

• Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?

  Christopher Titus

  Growing Up, Compassion, Daddy

  "Titus / Amy's Birthday". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  7 Copy quote

• I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.

  Christopher Titus

  June, Wife, Anus

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

• How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

  Christopher Titus

  Respect, Church, Helping

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

  Christopher Titus

  Damn You, Tests, United States

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Smart, Kids

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

  Christopher Titus

  Pope, Pope John Paul, John Paul

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

  Christopher Titus

  Mother, Father, Alcoholics Anonymous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

  Christopher Titus

  Home, People, My Family

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

  Christopher Titus

  Thinking, Presidential, Junk

  4 Copy quote

• Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

  Christopher Titus

  Laughing, Noise, Shakers

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

  Christopher Titus

  Pigs, Two, Three

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

  Christopher Titus

  Violence, Acts Of Violence

  "Titus / Insanity Genetic: Part 2". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.

  Christopher Titus

  Down And, Different, Vain

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.

  Christopher Titus

  Nuts, Sides, Middle

  4 Copy quote

• So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.

  Christopher Titus

  Jobs, People, Car

  "Titus / Life Forward". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  4 Copy quote

• Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.

  Christopher Titus

  Country, Home, Nursing

  "Grandma Titus". "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2002.

  5 Copy quote

• My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Father, Beer

  "The Reconciliation". "Titus" (TV Series), www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

  Christopher Titus

  Party, Mean, Cake

  "Titus / The Surprise Party". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

  Christopher Titus

  Baby, Dad, Kids

  "Titus / The Test". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

  Christopher Titus

  Baby, Crazy, Dinner With Friends

  "Titus / Insanity Genetic: Part 2". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  5 Copy quote

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