Christopher Titus Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Three, Tails

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  13 Copy quote

• There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!

  Christopher Titus

  Girl, Years, Two

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  8 Copy quote

• I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Lying, Night

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  5 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.

  Christopher Titus

  Philosophy, Philosophical, Funny Work

  11 Copy quote

• Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, "Hurts, don't it ? Wel, go ahead. Say, me dammit again."

  Christopher Titus

  Hurt, Growing Up, Pain

  "Titus / Racing in the Streets". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  6 Copy quote

• Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?

  Christopher Titus

  Growing Up, Compassion, Daddy

  "Titus / Amy's Birthday". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  7 Copy quote

• I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.

  Christopher Titus

  June, Wife, Anus

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

• Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

  Christopher Titus

  Laughing, Noise, Shakers

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

  Christopher Titus

  Violence, Acts Of Violence

  "Titus / Insanity Genetic: Part 2". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.

  Christopher Titus

  Daughter, Smart, Kids

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

  Christopher Titus

  Thinking, Presidential, Junk

  4 Copy quote

• We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

  Christopher Titus

  Home, People, My Family

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

  Christopher Titus

  Mother, Father, Alcoholics Anonymous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

  Christopher Titus

  Pope, Pope John Paul, John Paul

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

  Christopher Titus

  Damn You, Tests, United States

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.

  Christopher Titus

  Down And, Different, Vain

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.

  Christopher Titus

  Nuts, Sides, Middle

  4 Copy quote

• The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Nice, Voice

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?

  Christopher Titus

  School, Careers, Looks

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

• How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

  Christopher Titus

  Respect, Church, Helping

  "5th Annual End of the World Tour". www.imdb.com. 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

  Christopher Titus

  Fire, Water, People

  "Titus / The Trial". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.

  Christopher Titus

  Father, Special, Dying

  "Titus / Episode 27". www.imdb.com. 2001.

  4 Copy quote

• There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Hair, Ice

  "Titus", www.imdb.com. 2000-2002.

  4 Copy quote

• Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!

  Christopher Titus

  Sorry, Hardship, Can't Trust Anyone

  "Titus / The Session". www.imdb.com. 2002.

  4 Copy quote

• All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

  Christopher Titus

  Dad, Moving, Clothes

  "Titus / The Break-Up". www.imdb.com. 2000.

  4 Copy quote

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