Jay Leno Quotes - Page 31

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• In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Medicine, People

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• Anybody can have a life. Careers are hard to come by.

  Jay Leno

  Careers, Commencement, Hard

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• Show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you’re gonna get screwed.

  Jay Leno

  Pay, Shows, Show Business

  "Jay Leno on leaving 'The Tonight Show'". Interview with Steve Kroft, www.cbsnews.com. January 26, 2014.

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• I understand the chairman of the Senate Ethics comittee is going to examine the check-bouncing scandal with a microscope. ...makes sense... If you're going to look at ethics in Congress, a microscope is what you need.

  Jay Leno

  Needs, Looks, Politics

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• President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term

  Jay Leno

  Believe, President, Climate

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• Wikipedia was offline after an overheating problem at one of its data centers. It was pretty bad. For a while there, people had nowhere to go for phony, inaccurate information.

  Jay Leno

  Data, People, Wikipedia

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• You know what I'm doing for Easter? I'm gonna be hanging with my Peeps.

  Jay Leno

  Easter, Knows

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• The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.

  Jay Leno

  Sleep, Bags, Tents

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• Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News.

  Jay Leno

  War, Fighting, Two

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• Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey, and he's not doing good in Afghanistan either.

  Jay Leno

  Good Night, Virginia, President

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• According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news is, when they do break your legs there's a good chance you're covered.

  Jay Leno

  New York, News, Legs

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• The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler
  from France.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Duh, Today

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• George W. Bush loves golf because it's like the election--low score wins.

  Jay Leno

  Golf, Winning, Election

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• If politicians all told the truth, we'd be out of business.

  Jay Leno

  Politician, Ifs

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• A jury found former Enron sleezeballs Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Ken Lay? That's not a good name to have when you're going to prison. And Kenny Boy ain't too good either. ... I guess in prison they'll have done to them what they did to the stockholders.

  Jay Leno

  Boys, Names, Done

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• John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring will end up stuck in the Senate.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Campaigns, Homework

  "The Money Just Wasn't There for Kerry". www.politico.com. January 24, 2007.

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• John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

  Jay Leno

  Hunting, Eggs, Littles

  "Trail Tales: Gore Returns to Florida". "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, www.foxnews.com. October 22, 2004.

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• John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there.

  Jay Leno

  Looks, Week, Profile

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• The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?

  Jay Leno

  Men, Issues, Looks

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• John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding.

  Jay Leno

  Honor, President, Campaigns

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• John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened.

  Jay Leno

  Fall, Sunday, Weekend

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• John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head.

  Jay Leno

  Sound, Cost, Interviews

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• John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.

  Jay Leno

  President, Rich, John Kerry

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• The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

  Jay Leno

  Two, Issues, People

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• Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him.

  Jay Leno

  Running, Campaigns, Hey

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