Jay Leno Quotes - Page 34

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• You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously.

  Jay Leno

  Fall, Iraq, Leader

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• We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.

  Jay Leno

  Jobs, Years, People

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• Experts are saying that President Bush's goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don't we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?

  Jay Leno

  Goal, Presidential, Next

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• Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.

  Jay Leno

  War, Home, Ohio

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• I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.

  Jay Leno

  Thinking, Hair, Race

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• Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.

  Jay Leno

  Laughing, Our Family, Hard

  Jay Leno (2007). “Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your”, p.9, Simon and Schuster

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• For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing.

  Jay Leno

  Years, White, People

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• I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

  Jay Leno

  Thinking, Texas, Obamacare

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• Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.

  Jay Leno

  Two, Bills, Telephones

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• Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

  Jay Leno

  Names, Addresses, Able

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

  Jay Leno

  Upset, President, Groups

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• President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign event. Only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves clear to an audience that's primarily Spanish.

  Jay Leno

  California, Speak English, Trying

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• The Kinsey Institute says gay men have bigger sex organs. Hence the origin of gay pride.

  Jay Leno

  Sex, Pride, Gay

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• They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

  Jay Leno

  Crazy, Thinking, Kansas

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• The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.

  Jay Leno

  Dad, Father, Thinking

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• U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Missing, Asking

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• Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?

  Jay Leno

  War, Iraq, Germany

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• Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead.

  Jay Leno

  Past, Funeral, Trying

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• Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as "karma." The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings.

  Jay Leno

  Karma, Believe, Flower

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• As you know, several times, McCain talked about serving his country in Vietnam, which is a nice change after 16 years and two presidents who could never quite explain how they got out of serving their country in Vietnam.

  Jay Leno

  Country, Nice, Years

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• As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden.

  Jay Leno

  Morning, Thinking, Phones

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• As you know, John McCain is an older, white-haired man who has been in the Senate for over twenty years, voted for the Iraq War, and said Barack Obama did not have the experience to be president. I'm sorry, that's our intro for next week when Joe Biden is on, I got confused.

  Jay Leno

  Sorry, Confused, War

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• How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?

  Jay Leno

  Balls, Imagine, Injury

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• Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.

  Jay Leno

  Party, Winning, Marijuana

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• And under the new guidelines issued by the Obama Administration, Federal agents will not pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called 'Don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'

  Jay Leno

  Marijuana, Talking, Smoking

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