Jay Leno Quotes - Page 33

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• Did you see those Iraqis making that pilgrimage slashing their foreheads with knives and whipping their backs with chains. See, when Saddam Hussein was around they weren't allowed to make that pilgrimage. If they tried that with Saddam Hussein, he would have slashed their foreheads with knives and whipped their backs with chains.

  Jay Leno

  Knives, Hussein, Chains

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• All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners.

  Jay Leno

  Running, Iraq, Oil

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• For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Cnn, People

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• I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, People, Want

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• It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: 'Yes I Did.'

  Jay Leno

  President, Campaigns, Looks

  "Osama Bin Laden's Death Fuels Late-Night Laughs" by Luchina Fisher and Sheila Marikar, abcnews.go.com. May 04, 2011.

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• The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood.

  Jay Leno

  Two, Clothes, Guy

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• Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!

  Jay Leno

  Defense, Chance, Week

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• Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed.

  Jay Leno

  Jobs, Winning, Found You

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• One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living.

  Jay Leno

  Men, Looks, Said

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• Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has.

  Jay Leno

  President, Kind, Clinton

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• We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?

  Jay Leno

  Should Have, Ideas, Orange

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• It happened again this week. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated from O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Seems every time somebody went through with a weapon, the metal detectors accidentally went off.

  Jay Leno

  Airports, People, Weapons

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• The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name.

  Jay Leno

  Names, Airports, Government

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• A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he's going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.

  Jay Leno

  Thinking, People, Band

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• I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'

  Jay Leno

  Mean, Water, Noon

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• Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What's next - a ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box.

  Jay Leno

  Genius, Warning, Next

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• Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.

  Jay Leno

  Nike, Past, Air

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• Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker.

  Jay Leno

  Panic, Bunkers, Said

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• This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican who spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.

  Jay Leno

  Stories, Clubs, Hollywood

  "Cnn Newsroom" with Kyra Phillips, www.cnn.com. April 2, 2010.

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• Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big house to an even bigger house.

  Jay Leno

  House, Acres, Bigs

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• Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'

  Jay Leno

  Upset, Hey, Body

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• Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.

  Jay Leno

  Two, Arrogance, Hot

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• As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.

  Jay Leno

  Country, Retirement, Trying

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• American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.

  Jay Leno

  Mean, Two, Years

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• House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that.

  Jay Leno

  Should Have, Iraq, House

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