Dave Barry Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.

  Dave Barry

  Fun, Dark, Knowing

  Dave Barry (1985). “Dave Barry's Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead”, p.4, Rodale

  6 Copy quote

• Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold War was so we wouldn't have to learn the metric system.

  Dave Barry

  War, Metrics, Metric System

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• Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote control or getting high fevers in distant airports.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

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• Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

  Dave Barry

  Government, Needs

  Dave Barry (2011). “Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway”, p.53, Ballantine Books

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• Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is voter fraud.

  Dave Barry

  Cancer, Florida, Numbers

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• If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

  Dave Barry

  Literature, Enough, Bigs

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• In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Running, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.86, Ballantine Books

  6 Copy quote

• Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

  Dave Barry

  Television, Violence, Sometimes

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• Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

  Dave Barry

  Jobs, Writing, Thinking

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• Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

  Dave Barry

  Baby, Sex, Home

  Dave Barry (1991). “Dave Barry's guide to life”, Random House Value Publishing

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• In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.

  Dave Barry

  Drinking, Beer, Shoes

  Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

  9 Copy quote

• He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Sailing, Phrases

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up”, p.118, Ballantine Books

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• It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

  Dave Barry

  May, Gestures, Statistics

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• I was really bummed when I got to the last one of Tony Hillerman Navajo detective books.

  Dave Barry

  Book, Lasts, Detectives

  Source: www.bostonglobe.com

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• Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

  Dave Barry

  Sports, Team, Commitment

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• I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Travel, New York

  Twitter post from May 03, 2010

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• A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

  Dave Barry

  Witty, Memories, Kids

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• Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

  Dave Barry

  Real, Advice, Irs

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• Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Food

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• We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right in his bowl full of jelly.

  Dave Barry

  Humorous, Holiday, Giving

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• Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.

  Dave Barry

  Christmas, Wise, Stars

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.79, Ballantine Books

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• Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

  Dave Barry

  Queens, Humorous, Fall

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• Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.

  Dave Barry

  Aquariums, People, Ascent

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.70, Crown Archetype

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• But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally pointing away from 'Let's let the government do this' Does it matter to me that it's Democrats who think we need more elaborate programs that involve shifting money from one group to another group or it's Republicans saying we need to take a harder look at what kinds of things people are watching on cable TV? Neither one of those things strikes me as a good idea.

  Dave Barry

  Fun, Powerful, Thinking

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• Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.

  Dave Barry

  Irs, Rooms, Taxes

  17 Copy quote

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