People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
I've got everything I had 20 years ago, except now it's all lower.
Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of thirty-five.
Husbands come and go; children come and eventually they go. Friends grow up and move away. But the one thing that's never lost is your sister.
We grow neither better or worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.
A man is old when he can pass an apple orchard and not remember the stomachache.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
A birthday is a good time to begin a new; throwing away the old habits, as you would old clothes, and never putting them again.
The greatest thing in life is to die young - but delay it as long as possible.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.
Our daughters are the most precious of our treasures, the dearest possessions of our homes and the objects of our most watchful love.
The trouble with our age is that it is all signpost and no destination.
Whether 60 or 16, there is in every human being's heart the lure of wonder, the unfailing child-like appetite of what's next, and the joy of the game of living. In the center of your heart and my heart there is a wireless station; so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage and power from men and from God, so long are you young.
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
On every birthday, I ask my wife, 'What would you like this year?' and her instant reply is, 'Diamonds! Diamonds! Diamonds!' I'm always living in hope that one day she'll say she just wants me!
Oh, to be seventy again!
At my age, no one is married, no one has kids, no one has a career.
I feel like a lot of the female relationships I see on TV or in movies are in some way free of the kind of jealousy and anxiety and posturing that has been such a huge part of my female friendships, which I hope lessens a little bit with age.
I've never been more in love with anyone nearly half my age than I am today. I'd get married in a minute if I weren't still married to somebody else.
At 50, if you are on a diet on your birthday, you can't eat a piece of your birthday cake. So grab two, a piece in each hand and, lo and behold, you will be on a balanced diet! Happy birthday, old chum!
Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!
Remember how excited you were when you turned five years old. Today, you should be 10 times that excited. Happy 50th birthday!
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