Funny Christmas Card Quotes

• Roses are reddish
  Violets are bluish
  If it weren't for Christmas
  We'd all be Jewish.

  Benny Hill

  Christmas, Reality, Rose

  15 Copy quote

• Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

  W. C. Fields

  Christmas, Funny Life, Drinking

  13 Copy quote

• Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.

  Max Lucado

  Christmas, Shepherds, Groups

  Max Lucado (2013). “God Came Near: God's Perfect Gift”, p.8, Thomas Nelson Inc

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• Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Christmas, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

  Tom Armstrong

  Funny, Christmas, Cities

  46 Copy quote

• The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

  Bill Vaughan

  Inspirational, Family, Happy

  38 Copy quote

• Whatever else be lost among the years, Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing: Whatever doubts assail us, or what fears, Let us hold close one day, remembering Its poignant meaning for the hearts of men. Let us get back our childlike faith again.

  Grace Noll Crowell

  Love, Christmas, Xmas

  Grace Noll Crowell, “Whatever else”

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• Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart...filled it, too, with melody that would last forever.

  Bess Streeter Aldrich

  Christmas, Song, Xmas

  Bess Streeter Aldrich (1985). “Journey Into Christmas and Other Stories”, p.207, U of Nebraska Press

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• A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!

  Charles Dickens

  Christmas, New Year, Years

  "Dickens' Christmas Spirits: A Christmas Carol and Other Tales".

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• A Christmas gambol oft could cheer The poor man's heart through half the year.

  Walter Scott

  Christmas, Xmas, Cheer

  Sir Walter Scott (1838). “Poetical works”, p.278

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• T'was the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

  Clement Clarke Moore

  Christmas, Night, House

  1822 The Night Before Christmas.

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• Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.

  Karolyn Grimes

  Movie, Christmas, Angel

  "Fire In Belltown, USA Destroys Last Bell Factory". Interview with Renee Montagne, www.npr.org. May 31, 2012.

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• The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

  Johnny Carson

  Birthday, Christmas, People

  "Late-Night TV Icon Johnny Carson Dies", abcnews.go.com. January 23, 2005.

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• Let us keep Christmas still a shining thing.

  Grace Noll Crowell

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

  Grace Noll Crowell, “Whatever else”

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• The earth has grown old with its burden of care, But at Christmas it always is young.

  Phillips Brooks

  Christmas, Xmas, Earth

  12 Copy quote

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

  54 Copy quote

• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Christmas, Witty

  86 Copy quote

• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic

  62 Copy quote

• I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar carols play, And wild and sweet The words repeat Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

  Christmas, Sweet, Xmas

  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, J. D. McClatchy (2000). “Poems and Other Writings”, p.475, Library of America

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• Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

  Peg Bracken

  Love, Christmas, Time

  94 Copy quote

• Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

  Arlo Guthrie

  Funny, Christmas, Hair

  54 Copy quote

• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Xmas, Past

  24 Copy quote

• Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

  Kin Hubbard

  Christmas, Children, Mean

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• Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.

  Berkeley Breathed

  Funny, Christmas, Food

  25 Copy quote

• Christmas is for children. But it is for grownups too. Even if it is a headache, a chore, and nightmare, it is a period of necessary defrosting of chill and hide bound hearts.

  Lenora Mattingly Weber

  Christmas, Xmas, Children

  14 Copy quote