Funny Wedding Advice Quotes

• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Marriage, Pain

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.86, Crown Archetype

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.

  Lyndon B. Johnson

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  96 Copy quote

• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

  Red Skelton

  Inspiration, Divorce, Names

  58 Copy quote

• Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

  Jean Kerr

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  Jean Kerr (1962). “The Snake Has all the Lines”

  23 Copy quote

  Show source

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Relationship, Anniversary

  73 Copy quote

• Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.

  Simone Signoret

  Love, Anniversary, Marriage

  59 Copy quote

• Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.

  David Wilkerson

  Love, Relationship, Inspiring

  142 Copy quote

• When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.

  Joseph Campbell

  Love, Relationship, Anniversary

  Joseph Campbell, Bill Moyers (2011). “The Power of Myth”, p.7, Anchor

  69 Copy quote

  Show source

• you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

  Bill Maher

  Husband, Names, People

  3 Copy quote

• My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.

  Armistead Maupin

  Marriage, Mother, Couple

  Armistead Maupin (1989). “Tales of the city ; More tales of the city ; Further tales of the city: an omnibus”, Vintage

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

  Cass Daley

  Marriage, Wedding, Women

  4 Copy quote

• Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

  Ogden Nash

  Relationship, Marriage, Funny Birthday

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  49 Copy quote

  Show source

• A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

  Michel de Montaigne

  Anniversary, Marriage, Wedding

  Attributed to "Essais" by Michel de Montaigne, Book I, Ch. 20, 1595.

  67 Copy quote

  Show source

• No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

  H. L. Mencken

  Marriage, Men, Scotch Whisky

  22 Copy quote

• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  Joey Adams

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Joey Adams (1957). “Cindy and I: The Real Life Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Joey Adams”

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

  Sacha Guitry

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  "Book of Humorous Quotations" edited by Connie Robertson, (p. 83), 1998.

  64 Copy quote

  Show source

• Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

  Ogden Nash

  Inspirational, Life, Marriage

  Ogden Nash, “A Word To Husbands”

  52 Copy quote

  Show source

• Husbands are like fires - they go out when they're left unattended.

  Cher

  Love, Husband, Fire

  14 Copy quote

• Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

  Georg C. Lichtenberg

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  15 Copy quote

• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

  Herbert V. Prochnow

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  Herbert V. Prochnow (1994). “1000 Stories and Illustrations for All Occasions”, Baker Publishing Group

  24 Copy quote

  Show source

• The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

  Groucho Marx

  Marriage, Funny Love, Wedding

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

  Show source

• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Family, Marriage, Funny Love

  Poor Richard's Almanack, June 1738

  30 Copy quote

  Show source

• Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

  Minnie Pearl

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  23 Copy quote

• Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

  Maryon Pearson

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Wedding

  44 Copy quote

• Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  Quoted in Newsweek, 28 Mar. 1960

  23 Copy quote

  Show source