Golf Humor Quotes

• The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

  Chi Chi Rodriguez

  Golf, Bags, Woods

  8 Copy quote

• I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

  Bob Hope

  Golf, Play, Age

  18 Copy quote

• If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

  Dean Martin

  Retirement, Drinking, Book

  "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

  150 Copy quote

  Show source

• If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

  Lee Trevino

  Sports, Golf, Iron

  62 Copy quote

• Golf is a game that is played on a five-inch course

  Bobby Jones

  Golf, Games, Mental Toughness

  Quoted in Colin Jarman The Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).

  94 Copy quote

  Show source

• Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

  William Wordsworth

  Sports, Retirement, Golf

  'The Prelude' (1850) bk. 4, l. 376

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sports, Inspiration

  75 Copy quote

• The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.

  H. G. Wells

  Beauty, Golf, Men

  H. G. Wells (2015). “Delphi Complete Works of H. G. Wells”, p.4845, Delphi Classics

  24 Copy quote

  Show source

• My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.

  George Robertson, Baron Robertson of Port Ellen

  Golf, Swings, Practice

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  12 Copy quote

  Show source

• While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

  Henny Youngman

  Golf, Two, Balls

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  51 Copy quote

  Show source

• Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hope, Golf

  48 Copy quote

• I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.

  Don Adams

  Golf, Balls, Today

  15 Copy quote

• I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.

  Ben Hogan

  Funny, Golf, Games

  8 Copy quote

• If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.

  Paul Gallico

  Golf, Men, Handicaps

  Paul Gallico (2015). “Farewell to Sport”, p.165, Open Road Media

  19 Copy quote

  Show source

• May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.

  Ben Hogan

  Lying, Golf, Water

  27 Copy quote

• If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

  Sam Snead

  Sports, Golf, Knives

  38 Copy quote

• Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

  Lee Trevino

  Dirty, Golf, Gold

  15 Copy quote

• Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses...

  Adlai Stevenson I

  Funny, Golf, Church

  "The Political Thought of Adlai E. Stevenson" by William Robert Latimer, (p. 89), 1955.

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.

  P. G. Wodehouse

  Golf, Years, Serious

  P. G. Wodehouse, D. R. Bensen (1999). “Fore!: The Best of Wodehouse on Golf”, p.201, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you?

  Ben Hogan

  Funny, Sports, Athlete

  12 Copy quote

• Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Golf, Long Walks, Two

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.265, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

  Chi Chi Rodriguez

  Dirty, Golf, Play

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  74 Copy quote

  Show source

• It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

  Robert Wilson Lynd

  Sports, Golf, World

  10 Copy quote

• They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.

  Gardner Dickinson

  Believe, Golf, Complicated

  9 Copy quote

• I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Sports, Hate

  Quoted in Michael HobbsThe Golf Quotation Book (1992).

  8 Copy quote

  Show source