Humorists Quotes - Page 4

• But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

  David Sedaris

  Reporters

  "David Sedaris: 'If you tell a funny story at the dinner table in front of 10 people, nine will laugh, and one will say: that's not true. I've always hated that person'" by Decca Aitkenhead, www.theguardian.com. Jun 21, 2009.

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• There are people who can talk sensibly about a controversial issue; they're called humorists.

  Cullen Hightower

  Issues, People, Controversial

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• "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Fear, Hate, Hard Work

  "Cat's Cradle". Book by Kurt Vonnegut (Chapter 124), 1963.

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• Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...

  David Cross

  Bible, Kings, Writing

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• Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth.

  Mark Twain

  Money, Entrepreneur, Poverty

  Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.12, Courier Corporation

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• Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

  John Bishop

  Soccer, Sports, Football

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• Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Cute

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• Life is a cruel, horrible joke and I am the punch line.

  Carrie Fisher

  Life, Lines, Actresses

  Carrie Fisher (2011). “Postcards From the Edge”, p.131, Simon and Schuster

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• When politicians start talking about large groups of their fellow Americans as 'enemies,' it's time for a quiet stir of alertness. Polarizing people is a good way to win an election, and also a good way to wreck a country.

  Molly Ivins

  Country, Winning, Talking

  Molly Ivins (2010). “You Got to Dance with Them What Brung You”, p.141, Vintage

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• The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

  Louis C. K.

  Kindness, Comedian, Looks

  "Louie: Pregnant". TV Series, tv.avclub.com. 2011.

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• I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Time, Humorous

  Provincial Letters: Letter XVI, December 4, 1656.

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• Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

  Peg Bracken

  Love, Christmas, Time

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• No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Death, Real

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.8, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• All gods are better than their reputation.

  Mark Twain

  God, Novelists, Reputation

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• Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.

  Mark Twain

  Block, Sleep, Names

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• No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Truth, Real

  Mark Twain, John S. Tuckey (1972). “Mark Twain's Fables of Man”, p.339, Univ of California Press

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• All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Music, Truth

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• Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Christmas, Religious

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 23, 2012

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• At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Clever

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.14, Courier Corporation

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• People have been telling me I'm a failure and that I'm doing it all wrong for 20 years now. Never trust anybody when they tell you how your story goes. You know your story. You write your own story.

  Kevin Smith

  Life, Trust, Failure

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• Steven Alan Green is ONE funny writer ---- Everything I read of yours makes me laugh and think - Not just the kind words about meBut the insights you have for the Comedy racket.You're Barbara Hershey, we are beaches.

  Taylor Negron

  Beach, Laughter, Thinking

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• It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Wise, Fathers Day

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation

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• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

  Drew Carey

  Funny, Sarcastic, Jobs

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• Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.

  Mark Twain

  God, Differences, Editors

  Mark Twain (1972). “Everyone's Mark Twain”

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• It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, Humorous, Hands

  Douglas Adams (2014). “Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency”, p.5, Simon and Schuster

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