Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'
Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.
Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.
Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
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