You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
The best things in life aren't things.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.
Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
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