Humorists Quotes

• You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Humorous, Party

  Will Rogers (1983). “Radio broadcasts of Will Rogers”, Oklahoma State Univ Pr

  61 Copy quote

  Show source

• I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  18 Copy quote

• It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

  Garrison Keillor

  Inspirational, Life, Adversity

  25 Copy quote

• You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.

  Mark Twain

  Love, Heart, Law

  Mark Twain (1889). “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court”, p.164, Createspace Independent Pub

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Life, Intelligent

  50 Copy quote

• That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.

  Mark Twain

  Government, Differences, Entrepreneur

  Mark Twain, Peter Kaminsky (2009). “The Chicago of Europe, and Other Tales of Foreign Travel”, p.253, Sterling Publishing Company, Inc.

  12 Copy quote

  Show source

• Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

  Charles Addams

  Spiders, Normalcy, Chaos

  75 Copy quote

• Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.

  Danny Thomas

  Life, Motivational, Success

  93 Copy quote

• Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Change, Politics

  1561 Copy quote

• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

  Bill Watterson

  Friday, Cute Life, Sunday

  90 Copy quote

• The best things in life aren't things.

  Art Buchwald

  Love, Inspirational, Life

  92 Copy quote

• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  21 Copy quote

• I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Novelists, Krishna

  Mark Twain (2016). “Mark Twain in Eruption (Abridged, Annotated)”, p.117, BIG BYTE BOOKS

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.

  Mark Twain

  Getting Older, Complaining, Growing

  128 Copy quote

• The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.

  James Thurber

  Nature, Fun, People

  Interview with Edward R. Murrow on "Small World", CBS-TV, March 25, 1959.

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• The secret of getting ahead is getting started

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  147 Copy quote

• Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "The Graduation Speech I'd Give, if Anyone Asked" by Karina Bland, www.azcentral.com. June 03, 2015.

  296 Copy quote

  Show source

• But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sympathy, Spiritual

  Mark Twain (2012). “Autobiographical Writings”, p.338, Penguin

  126 Copy quote

  Show source

• Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Life, Travel

  Mark Twain, Caroline Thomas Harnsberger (2009). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.479, Courier Corporation

  117 Copy quote

  Show source

• Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

  Will Rogers

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  161 Copy quote

• Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Crazy, Gun

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 18, 2012

  62 Copy quote

  Show source

• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.40, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  73 Copy quote

  Show source

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

  125 Copy quote

• What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Death, Comedian

  37 Copy quote
• 

  Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Cute, God

  Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.9262, Delphi Classics

  106 Copy quote

  Show source