Humour Quotes - Page 7

• If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"

  Mickey Rooney

  Funny, Ungrateful, Complaining

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• Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

  Mickey Rooney

  Funny, Agents, Way

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• Humour is, in fact, a prelude to faith; and laughter is the beginning of prayer … Laughter is swallowed up in prayer and humour is fulfilled by faith.

  Reinhold Niebuhr

  Laughter, Prayer, Facts

  Reinhold Niebuhr, (2013). “Discerning the Signs of the Times - Sermons for Today and Tomorrow”, p.72, Read Books Ltd

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• ...to speak of them out loud, to speak of their hunger and pain and loneliness and humour, to make them visible so that can not be ravaged in the dark without great consequence.

  Eve Ensler

  Pain, Loneliness, Dark

  Eve Ensler (1998). “The Vagina Monologues”, Villard Books

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• One way of watering down the effects of violence is to approach it in a more lighthearted way. I don't mean to say that you laugh when somebody has their arm sawn off, but you can diffuse fear with humour.

  Colin Baker

  Mean, Laughing, Way

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• I think it's like music for the sake of music, and a lot of the words stem from liking music a lot, wanting to be a good band and having a good sense of humour, and living in a situation where we're free to pretty much do what we want.

  Jon Fishman

  Thinking, Band, Want

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• What we need are lots of girls who aren't as good as us, who'll treat us with the proper respect and reverance.

  David Norwood

  Girl, Needs, Chess

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• DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Science, Imperfection, Wicked

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.57, University of Georgia Press

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• Optimism is the first cousin of love, and it's exactly like love in three ways: it's pushy, it has no real sense of humour, and it turns up where you least expect it.

  Gregory David Roberts

  Cousin, Real, Like Love

  Gregory David Roberts (2004). “Shantaram: A Novel”, p.84, Macmillan

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• Back then, if you had a sore arm, the only people concerned were you and your wife. Now it's you, your wife, your agent, your investment counselor, your stockbroker, and your publisher.

  Jim Bouton

  Funny, Business, People

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• When you say to yourself, 'I am going to have a pleasant visit or a pleasant journey,' you are literally sending elements and forces ahead of your body that will arrange things to make your visit or journey pleasant. When before the visit or the journey or the shopping trip you are in a bad humour, or fearful or apprehensive of something unpleasant, you are sending unseen agencies ahead of you which will make some kind of unpleasantness. Our thoughts, or in other words, our state of mind, is ever at work 'fixing up' things good or bad in advance.

  Prentice Mulford

  Journey, Agency, Shopping

  Prentice Mulford (2015). “Thoughts Are Things & The God In You - Connect With The Force Within Yourself: How to Find With Your Inner Power - From one of the New Thought pioneers, author of Your Forces and How to Use Them, Gift of Spirit & The Gift of Understanding”, p.149, e-artnow

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• I do not at all believe in human freedom in the philosophical sense... Schopenhauer’s saying, ‘A man can do what he wants, but not will what he wants,’ has been a very real inspiration to me since my youth; it has been a continual consolation in the face of life’s hardships, my own and others’, and an unfailing wellspring of tolerance. This realization mercifully mitigates the easily paralyzing sense of responsibility and prevents us from taking ourselves and other people too seriously; it is conducive to a view of life which, in part, gives humour its due.

  Albert Einstein

  Real, Believe, Philosophical

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• Among the gods, there is a dispute as to which one of them originally thought of Christianity; or, as they call it, the Great Leg Pull. Apollo has the best claim, but a sizeable minority support Pluto, ex-God of the Dead, on the grounds that he has a really sick sense of humour. How would it be, suggested the unidentified god, if first we tell them all to love their neighbour, pack in the killing and thieving, and be nice to each other. Then we let them start burning heretics.

  Tom Holt

  Nice, Sick, Support

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• A man of knowing attains to a sense of humour. Let this always be remembered. If you see someone who has no sense of humour, know well that that man has not known at all. If you come across a serious man, then you can be certain that he is a pretender. Knowing brings sincerity but all seriousness disappears. Knowing brings a playfulness; knowing brings a sense of humour. The sense of humour is a must.

  Rajneesh

  Men, Knowing, Serious Man

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• I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humor doesn't know what he's talking about.

  Jackie Mason

  Art, Philosophical, Talking

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• The humour of Dostoievsky is the humour of a barloafer who ties a kettle to a dog's tail.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Dog, Ties, Tails

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• ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Science, Snakes, Funeral

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.12, University of Georgia Press

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• RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Science, Railroads, Purpose

  Ambrose Bierce (2016). “The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World”, p.176, 谷月社

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• TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Eye, Sacrifice, Science

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.2526, Delphi Classics

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• London Fashion Week is so different from any of the others. Compared to the strictness in New York, London seems freer from commercial constraints. Truer to the process, to street style, to a sense of humour.

  Alexa Chung

  Fashion, New York, Style

  "Alexa Chung: the forces that move fashion" by Eva Wiseman, www.theguardian.com. March 17, 2012.

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• GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Angel, Science, Agency

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.102, University of Georgia Press

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• EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Science, Function

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.2387, Delphi Classics

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• ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Science, Arsenic, Cosmetics

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.2357, Delphi Classics

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• GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Science, Illustration, Lovely

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.100, University of Georgia Press

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• GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Writing, Character, Science

  Ambrose Bierce (2016). “The Devil's Dictionary: The Devil World”, p.78, 谷月社

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