I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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