Marriage Jokes Quotes

• Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

  Ogden Nash

  Inspirational, Life, Marriage

  Ogden Nash, “A Word To Husbands”

  51 Copy quote

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• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Marriage, Sexy

  84 Copy quote

• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

  Woody Allen

  Marriage, Funny Love, Best Love

  11 Copy quote

• Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

  Bill Cosby

  Love, Family, Marriage

  Twitter post from Nov 04, 2009

  12 Copy quote

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• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  95 Copy quote

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• I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

  Sam Kinison

  Marriage, Wedding Anniversary, Years

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  89 Copy quote

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• Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

  Erma Bombeck

  Love, Marriage, Funny Relationship

  15 Copy quote

• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

  Herbert V. Prochnow

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  Herbert V. Prochnow (1994). “1000 Stories and Illustrations for All Occasions”, Baker Publishing Group

  23 Copy quote

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• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Love, Funny, Life

  "Rodney Dangerfield" by Ronald Bergan, www.theguardian.com. October 6, 2004.

  34 Copy quote

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• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Love, Marriage, Husband

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  43 Copy quote

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• Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

  Jean Kerr

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  Jean Kerr (1962). “The Snake Has all the Lines”

  22 Copy quote

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• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  Rita Rudner

  Funny, Marriage, Pain

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.86, Crown Archetype

  24 Copy quote

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• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  Joey Adams

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Joey Adams (1957). “Cindy and I: The Real Life Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Joey Adams”

  17 Copy quote

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• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  29 Copy quote

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• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Anniversary, Marriage

  Forbes Magazine, Volume 166 (p. 156), 2000.

  68 Copy quote

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• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Funny, Life

  216 Copy quote

• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

  Agatha Christie

  Love, Funny, Birthday

  Attributed in Bennett Cerf, The Life of the Party (1956)

  106 Copy quote

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• Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

  Richard Pryor

  Marriage, Funny Love, Love You

  Quoted in Robert Byrne, The Third and Possibly the Best 637 Things Anybody Ever Said (1986)

  48 Copy quote

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• 

  A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Love, Relationship, Anniversary

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.32, BookBaby

  107 Copy quote

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• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Relationship, Anniversary

  72 Copy quote

• Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

  Joyce Brothers

  Love, Marriage, Spiritual

  25 Copy quote

• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Family, Marriage, Funny Love

  Poor Richard's Almanack, June 1738

  29 Copy quote

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• What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.

  Pearl Bailey

  Love, Romantic, Valentines Day

  "Weekly World News" Magazine, Vol. 26, No. 33, April 25, 2005.

  49 Copy quote

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• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  83 Copy quote

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• The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  92 Copy quote