You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.
All diseases run into one, old age.
Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.
We first got marijuana from an older drummer with another group in Liverpool. We didn't actually try it until after we'd been to Hamburg. I remember we smoked it in the band room in a gig in Southport and we all learnt to do the Twist that night, which was popular at the time. We were all seeing if we could do it. Everybody was saying, 'This stuff isn't doing anything.' It was like that old joke where a party is going on and two hippies are up floating on the ceiling, and one is saying to the other, 'This stuff doesn't work, man.'
Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!
My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.
Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.
There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."
There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic.
It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.
Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: