Old Jokes Quotes

• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• 

  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

  93 Copy quote

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

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• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  430 Copy quote

• People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Retirement, People

  54 Copy quote

• You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

  Hy Gardner

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hurt

  41 Copy quote

• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  Rita Rudner

  Death, Husband, Grandmother

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• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

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• Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

  Arthur Schopenhauer

  Birthday, Congratulations, Age

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• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

  Rita Rudner

  Retirement, Age, Ears

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.238, Crown Archetype

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• Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

  Tom Wilson

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Wisdom

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• All diseases run into one, old age.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Running, Funny Relationship, Hair

  Journals

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• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  Bob Hope

  Birthday, Witty, Funny Inspirational

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• Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

  Victor Hugo

  Birthday, Health, Medicine

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• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

  27 Copy quote

• My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.

  Sarah

  Notebook, Looks, Comedy

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Being a military child, we moved a lot and we developed different vernaculars from moving from the south, to the Midwest, and seeing the world. Going from New York to California and from Jamaica Queens to the South, I was always the new kid, or had the army crew haircut. I expected people to pick up on me. My brother kinda stole all of my old jokes. He got his inspiration from me.

  Joe Torry

  Brother, New York, Queens

  Source: blogs.indiewire.com

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• Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?

  Aristophanes

  Laughter, Laughing, Cracks

  Aristophanes (2008). “The Birds and Other Plays: Easyread Comfort Edition”, p.228, ReadHowYouWant.com

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• Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.

  Ivan Turgenev

  Encounters, Individual, Jokes

  Ivan Sergeevich Turgenev (1994). “Essential Turgenev”, p.741, Northwestern University Press

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• We first got marijuana from an older drummer with another group in Liverpool. We didn't actually try it until after we'd been to Hamburg. I remember we smoked it in the band room in a gig in Southport and we all learnt to do the Twist that night, which was popular at the time. We were all seeing if we could do it. Everybody was saying, 'This stuff isn't doing anything.' It was like that old joke where a party is going on and two hippies are up floating on the ceiling, and one is saying to the other, 'This stuff doesn't work, man.'

  George Harrison

  Hippie, Party, Men

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• You know that old joke about potheads having bad memories? Well, the bad memories are like pain, discomfort, and fear. So you lose all that, and the body reacts by healing faster and stronger.

  Tommy Chong

  Memories, Pain, Healing

  Interview with Old Hippie, beyondchronic.com. June 30, 2016.

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• Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!

  Rick Riordan

  Mean, Jason, Reuse

  Rick Riordan (2009). “Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian”, p.278, Penguin UK

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• As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic.

  Michelle Bachelet

  Together, Agnostic, Sin

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• It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.

  Malcolm Muggeridge

  Laughter, Laughing, Trying

  Malcolm Muggeridge, Ian Hunter (2003). “The Very Best of Malcolm Muggeridge”, p.133, Regent College Publishing

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• There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

  Woody Allen

  Loneliness, Boys, Elderly

  Annie Hall, www.imdb.com. 1977.

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