Old Jokes Quotes

• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

  Hy Gardner

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hurt

  41 Copy quote

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

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• 

  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

  120 Copy quote

• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  488 Copy quote

• Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

  Arthur Schopenhauer

  Birthday, Congratulations, Age

  98 Copy quote

• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  Rita Rudner

  Death, Husband, Grandmother

  22 Copy quote

• People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Retirement, People

  55 Copy quote

• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

  35 Copy quote

• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  Bob Hope

  Birthday, Witty, Funny Inspirational

  24 Copy quote

• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

  26 Copy quote

• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

  Rita Rudner

  Retirement, Age, Ears

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.238, Crown Archetype

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• Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

  Tom Wilson

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Wisdom

  17 Copy quote

• Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

  Victor Hugo

  Birthday, Health, Medicine

  29 Copy quote

• All diseases run into one, old age.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Running, Funny Relationship, Hair

  Journals

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• Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.

  Howie Carr

  Two, Boat, Barack

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• We first got marijuana from an older drummer with another group in Liverpool. We didn't actually try it until after we'd been to Hamburg. I remember we smoked it in the band room in a gig in Southport and we all learnt to do the Twist that night, which was popular at the time. We were all seeing if we could do it. Everybody was saying, 'This stuff isn't doing anything.' It was like that old joke where a party is going on and two hippies are up floating on the ceiling, and one is saying to the other, 'This stuff doesn't work, man.'

  George Harrison

  Hippie, Party, Men

  4 Copy quote

• Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!

  Rick Riordan

  Mean, Jason, Reuse

  Rick Riordan (2009). “Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian”, p.278, Penguin UK

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• My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.

  Sarah

  Notebook, Looks, Comedy

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.

  Ivan Turgenev

  Encounters, Individual, Jokes

  Ivan Sergeevich Turgenev (1994). “Essential Turgenev”, p.741, Northwestern University Press

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• There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Country, Redneck, Differences

  Source: smashinginterviews.com

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• There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

  Woody Allen

  Loneliness, Boys, Elderly

  Annie Hall, www.imdb.com. 1977.

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• As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic.

  Michelle Bachelet

  Together, Agnostic, Sin

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• It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter. Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation than trying to make the English laugh.

  Malcolm Muggeridge

  Laughter, Laughing, Trying

  Malcolm Muggeridge, Ian Hunter (2003). “The Very Best of Malcolm Muggeridge”, p.133, Regent College Publishing

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• Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?

  Aristophanes

  Laughter, Laughing, Cracks

  Aristophanes (2008). “The Birds and Other Plays: Easyread Comfort Edition”, p.228, ReadHowYouWant.com

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