You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
All diseases run into one, old age.
There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment.
Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find a Nigerian there who has a shop that is selling Coca-Cola--who took a speculative trip 20 years ago and has been waiting for everyone else to arrive.
Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.
People who don't like cats haven't been around them. There's the old joke: dogs have masters, cats have staff.
I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.
If you do a joke that's really old, then what happens is people on Reddit and Twitter just go, 'Real original, you're just doing old jokes!' But bands do it all the time.
Because, as we are told—a sad old joke, too— Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to.
Medicine is a very old joke, but it still goes on.
And the look on her face as she opened the door Was like an old joke told by a friend. It'd taken ten more years but she'd found her smile And I watched the corners start to bend.
You know that old joke about potheads having bad memories? Well, the bad memories are like pain, discomfort, and fear. So you lose all that, and the body reacts by healing faster and stronger.
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