Old Jokes Quotes

• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Retirement, People

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• You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

  Hy Gardner

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hurt

  45 Copy quote
• 

  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

  154 Copy quote

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

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• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  558 Copy quote

• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  Rita Rudner

  Death, Husband, Grandmother

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• Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

  Arthur Schopenhauer

  Birthday, Congratulations, Age

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• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

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• Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

  Tom Wilson

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Wisdom

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• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

  45 Copy quote

• Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

  Victor Hugo

  Birthday, Health, Medicine

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• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  Bob Hope

  Birthday, Witty, Funny Inspirational

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• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

  Rita Rudner

  Retirement, Age, Ears

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.238, Crown Archetype

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• All diseases run into one, old age.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Running, Funny Relationship, Hair

  Journals

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• There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment.

  Alistair Begg

  Fall, Men, Return

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• Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find a Nigerian there who has a shop that is selling Coca-Cola--who took a speculative trip 20 years ago and has been waiting for everyone else to arrive.

  Chris Abani

  Years, Land, Waiting

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• Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.

  Howie Carr

  Two, Boat, Barack

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• People who don't like cats haven't been around them. There's the old joke: dogs have masters, cats have staff.

  Betty White

  Dog, Cat, People

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• I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old ones back because the fans love them.

  Gabriel Iglesias

  Fans, Half, Hours

  Source: goseetalk.com

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• If you do a joke that's really old, then what happens is people on Reddit and Twitter just go, 'Real original, you're just doing old jokes!' But bands do it all the time.

  Chris Hardwick

  Real, People, Band

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• Because, as we are told—a sad old joke, too— Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to.

  Bill Vaughan

  Ghost, Speak, Spokes

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• Medicine is a very old joke, but it still goes on.

  Andre Maurois

  Medicine, Goes On, Stills

  "The Silence of Colonel Bramble". Book by Andre Maurois, 1918.

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• And the look on her face as she opened the door Was like an old joke told by a friend. It'd taken ten more years but she'd found her smile And I watched the corners start to bend.

  Harry Chapin

  Taken, Doors, Years

  Song: Sequel

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• You know that old joke about potheads having bad memories? Well, the bad memories are like pain, discomfort, and fear. So you lose all that, and the body reacts by healing faster and stronger.

  Tommy Chong

  Memories, Pain, Healing

  Interview with Old Hippie, beyondchronic.com. June 30, 2016.

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