Old Jokes Quotes

• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Retirement, People

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• You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

  Hy Gardner

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hurt

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• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

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• 

  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

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• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

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• Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

  Arthur Schopenhauer

  Birthday, Congratulations, Age

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• Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

  Tom Wilson

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Wisdom

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• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  Rita Rudner

  Death, Husband, Grandmother

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• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  Bob Hope

  Birthday, Witty, Funny Inspirational

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• Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

  Victor Hugo

  Birthday, Health, Medicine

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• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

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• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

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• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

  Rita Rudner

  Retirement, Age, Ears

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.238, Crown Archetype

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• All diseases run into one, old age.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Running, Funny Relationship, Hair

  Journals

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• There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment.

  Alistair Begg

  Fall, Men, Return

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• Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find a Nigerian there who has a shop that is selling Coca-Cola--who took a speculative trip 20 years ago and has been waiting for everyone else to arrive.

  Chris Abani

  Years, Land, Waiting

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• Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.

  Howie Carr

  Two, Boat, Barack

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• Death's an old joke, but each individual encounters it anew.

  Ivan Turgenev

  Encounters, Individual, Jokes

  Ivan Sergeevich Turgenev (1994). “Essential Turgenev”, p.741, Northwestern University Press

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• We first got marijuana from an older drummer with another group in Liverpool. We didn't actually try it until after we'd been to Hamburg. I remember we smoked it in the band room in a gig in Southport and we all learnt to do the Twist that night, which was popular at the time. We were all seeing if we could do it. Everybody was saying, 'This stuff isn't doing anything.' It was like that old joke where a party is going on and two hippies are up floating on the ceiling, and one is saying to the other, 'This stuff doesn't work, man.'

  George Harrison

  Hippie, Party, Men

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• Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!

  Rick Riordan

  Mean, Jason, Reuse

  Rick Riordan (2009). “Percy Jackson and the Last Olympian”, p.278, Penguin UK

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• Is anything wrong, dear? the old joke went. No, why? You moved. Just don't move.

  Margaret Atwood

  Moving, Dear, Moved

  Margaret Atwood (1986). “The Handmaid's Tale”, p.222, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

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• I know the look of an apple that is roasting and sizzling on the hearth on a winter's evening, and I know the comfort that comes of eating it hot, along with some sugar and a drench of cream... I know how the nuts taken in conjunction with winter apples, cider, and doughnuts, make old people's tales and old jokes sound fresh and crisp and enchanting.

  Mark Twain

  Food, Taken, Winter

  Mark Twain, Milton Meltzer (2002). “Mark Twain Himself: A Pictorial Biography”, p.10, University of Missouri Press

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• There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

  Woody Allen

  Loneliness, Boys, Elderly

  Annie Hall, www.imdb.com. 1977.

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• Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?

  Aristophanes

  Laughter, Laughing, Cracks

  Aristophanes (2008). “The Birds and Other Plays: Easyread Comfort Edition”, p.228, ReadHowYouWant.com

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