I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
I believe marriage is a relationship between a man and a woman.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
People change and forget to tell each other.
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.