Comedy Quotes - Page 38

• Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself.

  Norman Chad

  Funny, Oscars, Winner

  Twitter post from Feb 23, 2013

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• Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.

  Norman Chad

  Funny, Games, Nfl

  7 Copy quote

• I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Hurt, Pockets

  "'Fat' Dad Jim Gaffigan On Kids, Comedy And Apartment Living". Interview with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. May 2, 2013.

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• You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cancer, Book

  19 Copy quote

• You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Funny, Baby, Kids

  32 Copy quote

• You can only be embarrassed if you allow yourself to be embarrassed. If you embrace it and just accept that you're kind of a klutz, and you're able to make it into comedy gold.

  Stephen Merchant

  Gold, Able, Kind

  Source: www.esquire.com

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• I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Team, Son

  20 Copy quote

• Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Brother, Hate

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• I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Causes, Creeps

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• There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.

  Stephen Schneider

  Funny, Conviction

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• Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.

  Stephen Schneider

  Funny, Hate, Thinking

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• They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Kids, Giving

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• What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Grandma, Special

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• When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Fighting, Bed

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• That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Cancer, Kids

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• I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Girlfriend, Names

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• If I don't get at least 1 email in any given hour, I begin to think my friends are conspiring against me.

  Tommy James

  Funny, Thinking, Email

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• If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Character, Men

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• When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Taxpayers

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• My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Nice, Dirty

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• The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Up Early, Government

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• I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Mean, Thinking

  "Brian Regan Live". Audio CD, 1997.

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• How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Thinking, Blue

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• I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Writing, Men

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• I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Men, Thinking

  "Brian Regan: The Epitome of Hyperbole". Stand up comedy, 2008.

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