Funny Holiday Quotes

• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

  Hamilton Wright Mabie

  Love, Christmas, Xmas

  Hamilton Wright Mabie (1900). “My study fire: first series”

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• I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

  Charles Dickens

  Love, Christmas, Education

  A Christmas Carol stave 4 (1843)

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• Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

  Kin Hubbard

  Funny, Christmas, Xmas

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• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

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• Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

  Calvin Coolidge

  Christmas, Xmas, Real

  "Chicken soup for the soul Christmas treasury for kids" by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Hansen, Irene Dunlap, HCI, (p. 1), 2002.

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• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Funny, Christmas, Mother

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

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• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

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• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Christmas, Witty

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• Christmas is the day that holds all time together.

  Alexander Smith

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

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• Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

  Kin Hubbard

  Christmas, Children, Mean

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• Love the giver more than the gift.

  Brigham Young

  Love, Christmas, Meaningful

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• A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

  Garrison Keillor

  Love, Funny, Christmas

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

  Dave Barry

  Christmas, Religious, Holiday

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• Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Christmas, Grateful, Thank You God

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• Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

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• When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Christmas, Gratitude, Children

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• Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Christmas, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won't make it 'white'.

  Bing Crosby

  Christmas, Xmas, Blessed

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• One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Christmas, Drinking

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• The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, New Year, Clever

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.138, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Christmas, People

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• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

  Bob Phillips

  Funny, Christmas, Dad

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• A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Retirement, Work, Holiday

  Misalliance preface (1914)

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• The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.

  Bill Vaughan

  Inspirational, Family, Happy

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