Humorous Quotes - Page 16

• He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

  Winston Churchill

  Life, Vices, Funny Witty

  Sir Winston Churchill (1965). “The Churchill Wit”

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• We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.

  Dianne Feinstein

  Funny, Gun, Hunting

  93 Copy quote

• There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

  Bat Masterson

  Funny, Summer, Winter

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• I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

  Lauren Ambrose

  Funny, Feet, House

  "Fictional character: Claire Fisher". TV Series "Six Feet Under" ("An Open Book", 2001), www.imdb.com. (2001–2005).

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• There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

  Keith Richards

  Funny, Men, Doors

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• I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

  Bobbi Brown

  Funny, Beauty, Beautiful

  112 Copy quote

• She could have a Grammy I'd still treat her ass like a nominee.

  Drake

  Relationship, Sex, Dirty

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• I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

  Elon Musk

  Inspirational, Funny, Death

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

  Indira Gandhi

  Funny, Success, Leadership

  "Taking Charge : Every Woman's Action Guide to Personal, Political and Professional Success". Book by Joan Steinau Lester )p. 76), 1996.

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• God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

  Garrison Keillor

  Funny, Life, Encouraging

  "Happy to be Here". Book by Garrison Keillor, 1983.

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• Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

  Martin Fowler

  Inspirational, Funny, Writing

  Jay Fields, Shane Harvie, Martin Fowler, Kent Beck (2009). “Refactoring: Ruby Edition”, p.36, Pearson Education

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• I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

  Seve Ballesteros

  Funny, Eye, Golf

  140 Copy quote

• The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

  Harry Browne

  Funny, Sarcastic, Integrity

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• When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

  Rich Hall

  Funny, Witty, Work

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• Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

  W. W. Jacobs

  Funny, Dream, Wish

  "The Monkeys Paw". Short story by W. W. Jacobs, 1902.

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• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Drinking, Beer, Alcohol

  69 Copy quote

• Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

  Wally Wood

  Inspirational, Funny, Cutting

  73 Copy quote

• I never wanted to go on stage alone because if you mess up, who can you blame?

  Patti LaBelle

  Funny, Entrepreneur, African American

  FaceBook post by Patti LaBelle from Jan 24, 2013

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• No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Truth, Real

  Mark Twain, John S. Tuckey (1972). “Mark Twain's Fables of Man”, p.339, Univ of California Press

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• Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged to be forever true.

  Robert Breault

  Love, Funny, Relationship

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• I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Memorable, Good Day

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• Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life

  Michael Palin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

  Remedios Varo

  Funny, Crazy, Thinking

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• It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.

  Hans Asperger

  Funny, Success, Art

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• The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Cat, Swimming

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)”, p.706, Jazzybee Verlag

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