Humorous Quotes - Page 16

• He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

  Winston Churchill

  Life, Vices, Funny Witty

  Sir Winston Churchill (1965). “The Churchill Wit”

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• The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

  Harry Browne

  Funny, Sarcastic, Integrity

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• We have federal regulations and state laws that prohibit hunting ducks with more than three rounds. And yet it's legal to hunt humans with 15-round, 30-round, even 150-round magazines.

  Dianne Feinstein

  Funny, Gun, Hunting

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• I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

  Seve Ballesteros

  Funny, Eye, Golf

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• Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

  Martin Fowler

  Inspirational, Funny, Writing

  Jay Fields, Shane Harvie, Martin Fowler, Kent Beck (2009). “Refactoring: Ruby Edition”, p.36, Pearson Education

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• There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.

  Bat Masterson

  Funny, Summer, Winter

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• When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

  Rich Hall

  Funny, Witty, Work

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• Wine is constant proof that God loves us and likes to see us happy.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Drinking, Beer, Alcohol

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• She could have a Grammy I'd still treat her ass like a nominee.

  Drake

  Relationship, Sex, Dirty

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• I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

  Lauren Ambrose

  Funny, Feet, House

  "Fictional character: Claire Fisher". TV Series "Six Feet Under" ("An Open Book", 2001), www.imdb.com. (2001–2005).

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• You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

  Tavi Gevinson

  Inspirational, Funny, Being Yourself

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• There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

  Keith Richards

  Funny, Men, Doors

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• Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

  W. W. Jacobs

  Funny, Dream, Wish

  "The Monkeys Paw". Short story by W. W. Jacobs, 1902.

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• Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

  Wally Wood

  Inspirational, Funny, Cutting

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• Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

  Brian Kernighan

  Inspirational, Funny, Smart

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• I never wanted to go on stage alone because if you mess up, who can you blame?

  Patti LaBelle

  Funny, Entrepreneur, African American

  FaceBook post by Patti LaBelle from Jan 24, 2013

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• I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

  Bobbi Brown

  Funny, Beauty, Beautiful

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• Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, God, Believe

  Woody Allen (2007). “Mere Anarchy”, Random House Incorporated

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• Once the travel bug bites there is no known antidote, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life

  Michael Palin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.

  Ernest Cline

  Funny, Life, Novelists

  "Ready Player One". Book by Ernest Cline, 2011.

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• It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, Hands, People

  Douglas Adams (2014). “Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency”, p.5, Simon and Schuster

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• Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

  Mary Rakow

  Inspirational, Funny, People

  Mary Rakow (2015). “The Memory Room: A Novel”, p.303, Counterpoint

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• The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead.

  Marilyn Monroe

  Cute Love, Romantic, Dance

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• My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

  Caroline Rhea

  Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

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• No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Truth, Real

  Mark Twain, John S. Tuckey (1972). “Mark Twain's Fables of Man”, p.339, Univ of California Press

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