Humorous Quotes - Page 17

• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Marriage, Sexy

  109 Copy quote

• Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged to be forever true.

  Robert Breault

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  10 Copy quote

• It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.

  Hans Asperger

  Funny, Success, Art

  187 Copy quote

• On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

  Remedios Varo

  Funny, Crazy, Thinking

  73 Copy quote

• I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Memorable, Good Day

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• The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Cat, Swimming

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)”, p.706, Jazzybee Verlag

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• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

  George Burns

  Funny, Witty, Boys

  George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co

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• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

  88 Copy quote

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  120 Copy quote

• I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple.

  Al Gore

  Funny, Buddhist, Stupid

  7 Copy quote

• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Funny, Christmas, Mother

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

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• Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

  Doug Larson

  Life, Hilarious, Food

  102 Copy quote
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  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Motivational Sports, Boxing

  179 Copy quote

• I love making people laugh, and to be able to be that humorous character was great. And I actually was very similar to Neville Longbottom. I was very shy and chubby-cheeked. I wasn't bullied at school, but I wasn't particularly outgoing. We were similar. And so I loved playing him.

  Matthew Lewis

  School, Character, People

  Source: film.avclub.com

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• #3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )

  Seymour Cray

  Witty, Design, Tools

  13 Copy quote

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Motivation, Driving Fast

  71 Copy quote

• England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, School, World

  "Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need". Book by Dave Barry, 1991.

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• There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, Interesting, Feelings

  Douglas Adams (2009). “So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish”, p.52, Pan Macmillan

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• Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie. By the 9th hole they were engaged and when they finished on 18 they had a foursome.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Golf, Japan

  9 Copy quote

• The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Baby, Japan

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.20, Ballantine Books

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  I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

  Edgar Allan Poe

  Inspirational, Life, Clever

  Edgar Allan Poe (1980). “The Unknown Poe: An Anthology of Fugitive Writings”, p.8, City Lights Books

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• My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

  Theodore Kaczynski

  Funny, Witty, Jail

  45 Copy quote

• You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Party, Political

  Will Rogers (1983). “Radio broadcasts of Will Rogers”, Oklahoma State Univ Pr

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• "Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir," replied the little gentleman. "Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more."

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Gentleman, Deception

  Charles Dickens (1905). “The Pickwick Papers”, p.541

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• I do not hold that we should rearm in order to fight. I hold that we should rearm in order to parley.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Fighting, Order

  Winston Churchill, Robert Rhodes James (1980). “Churchill speaks: Winston S. Churchill in peace and war : collected speeches, 1897-1963”, Atheneum

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