I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an ass.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.
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