A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
Hello, I must be going.
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.
Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
I'm not much of a correspondent. My letters are not only uninteresting but sparse. I'm glad I don?t have to write for a living. It?s arduous work and the money is very uncertain. On those rare occasions when I wander into a bookstore it amazes me to see the avalanche of literature and semi-literature that is turned out weekly in this country. The people who write these things are either desperate for money or love starved. Why should anyone on a nice balmy day lock oneself in an office and hit a typewriter for hours on end. I think one of the greatest pleasures in the world is not writing.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
I hate London when it's not raining.
If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.
I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.
If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.
Was that you or the duck?
Any place I hang my head is home.
Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.
Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.
I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.
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