I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip
There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.
Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.
Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell his size, with the result that frequently he'd make a pair of pants with one trouser leg seven or eight inches longer than the other.
A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
All geniuses die young.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
I hope they bury me near a strait man
Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.
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