A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I never said most of the things I said.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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