People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I never said most of the things I said.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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