Funny One Liner Quotes

• Bacteria: The only culture some people have.

  Hesiod

  People, Culture, Bacteria

  21 Copy quote

  Report

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  11 Copy quote

  Report

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Success, Clever

  56 Copy quote

  Report

• The second mouse gets the cheese!

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Witty, Iron

  10 Copy quote

  Report

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  549 Copy quote

  Report

• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

  Albert Einstein

  Drinking, Alcohol, Inventory

  107 Copy quote

  Report

• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

  J. B. Morton

  Funny, Life, Mind

  3 Copy quote

  Report

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  167 Copy quote

  Report

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Clever, Business

  55 Copy quote

  Report

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Barbie

  27 Copy quote

  Report

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  14 Copy quote

  Report

• I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  Steven Wright

  Dog, Pet, Gone

  7 Copy quote

  Report

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Death, Suicide

  24 Copy quote

  Report

• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Food

  81 Copy quote

  Report

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  5 Copy quote

  Report

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.

  Harry S. Truman

  Witty, Business, Silly

  Harry S. Truman, Steve Neal (2003). “Miracle of Forty-eight”, p.139, SIU Press

  24 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  Alan Dundes

  Inspirational, Funny, Christmas

  1751 Copy quote

  Report

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

  Alton Brown

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  21 Copy quote

  Report

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

  Steven Wright

  People, Support, Culture

  33 Copy quote

  Report
• 

  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  Miles Kington

  Funny, Hilarious, Wise

  The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

  418 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

  49 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.

  Sherrilyn Kenyon

  Insanity, Suffering, Signatures

  14 Copy quote

  Report

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

  70 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  82 Copy quote

  Report Show source

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  72 Copy quote

  Report Show source