Funny One Liner Quotes

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

18 Copy quote
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

187 Copy quote
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humorous, Ideas

358 Copy quote
If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Harry S. Truman

Witty, Business, Silly

Harry S. Truman, Steve Neal (2003). “Miracle of Forty-eight”, p.139, SIU Press

26 Copy quote

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

Funny, Success, Clever

58 Copy quote
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A. A. Milne

Love, Missing You, Thinking Of You

65 Copy quote
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Dan Chaon

Hilarious, Peace, Tired

Dan Chaon (2012). “Stay Awake: Stories”, p.59, Ballantine Books

14 Copy quote

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Funny, Clever, Business

58 Copy quote
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Oscar Wilde

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

17 Copy quote
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Justice

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

9 Copy quote

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The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Alton Brown

Inspirational, Life, Motivational

24 Copy quote
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

Dog, Pet, Gone

8 Copy quote
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Wright

Funny, Death, Suicide

24 Copy quote
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Ambrose Bierce

Inspirational, Money, Math

32 Copy quote
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

George Carlin

Mathematical Logic, People, Three

22 Copy quote
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

Life, Positive, Success

40 Copy quote
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

Happiness, Money, Funny Life

"Remembering Joan Rivers" by Erica Diamond, www.huffingtonpost.com. September 8, 2014.

21 Copy quote

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Darynda Jones

Funny, Birthday, Humorous

Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press

16 Copy quote

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Kinky Friedman

Beauty, Philosophy, Drinking

14 Copy quote
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Larry the Cable Guy

Thinking, Laughing, Lasts

26 Copy quote
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Steven Wright

People, Support, Culture

34 Copy quote
The second mouse gets the cheese!

Terry Pratchett

Funny, Witty, Iron

10 Copy quote
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Albert Einstein

Drinking, Alcohol, Inventory

111 Copy quote
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

Funny, Life, Sarcastic

In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

54 Copy quote

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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

Funny, Im Sorry, Heart

"Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009.

70 Copy quote

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