Funny One Liner Quotes

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Harry S. Truman

Witty, Business, Silly

Harry S. Truman, Steve Neal (2003). “Miracle of Forty-eight”, p.139, SIU Press

37 Copy quote

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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

226 Copy quote
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

283 Copy quote

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

30 Copy quote
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Psychics

16 Copy quote
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humorous, Ideas

417 Copy quote
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A. A. Milne

Love, Missing You, Thinking Of You

78 Copy quote
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Larry the Cable Guy

Thinking, Laughing, Lasts

34 Copy quote
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

Funny, Hilarious, Wise

The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

583 Copy quote

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Funny, Motivational Sports, Humorous

160 Copy quote
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

Inspirational, Funny, Christmas

2180 Copy quote
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Kinky Friedman

Beauty, Philosophy, Drinking

26 Copy quote
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Funny, Clever, Business

77 Copy quote
Don't take life too seriously.

RuPaul

Life, Sarcastic, Funny Inspirational

RuPaul (2010). “Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Style”, p.12, Harper Collins

21 Copy quote

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Funny, Life, Sarcastic

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

108 Copy quote

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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Steven Wright

People, Support, Culture

41 Copy quote
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Steven Wright

Funny, Witty, Time

674 Copy quote
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

94 Copy quote

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Groucho Marx

Funny, Life, Sarcastic

In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

73 Copy quote

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

"Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

108 Copy quote

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I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Insanity, Suffering, Signatures

23 Copy quote
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Oscar Wilde

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

42 Copy quote
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

Funny, Success, Clever

78 Copy quote
The second mouse gets the cheese!

Terry Pratchett

Funny, Witty, Iron

15 Copy quote
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

J. B. Morton

Funny, Life, Mind

6 Copy quote