Hilarious Short Quotes

• The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Inspirational, Funny, Science

  17 Copy quote

• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

  Robert Bloch

  Funny, Smile, Hilarious

  109 Copy quote

• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  90 Copy quote

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• I can resist everything except temptation.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  Lady Windermere's Fan act 1 (1892) See Balzac 1; Clementina Graham 1; Mae West 19; Wilde 25

  79 Copy quote

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• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

  Chili Davis

  Love, Happy Birthday, Happiness

  100 Copy quote

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  212 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  106 Copy quote

• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  Jim Carrey

  Funny, Laughter, Women

  128 Copy quote
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  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

  352 Copy quote

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• Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

  Wendell Johnson

  Funny, Witty, Educational

  55 Copy quote

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

  Margaret Mead

  Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

  221 Copy quote

• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  577 Copy quote
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  A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

  280 Copy quote

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• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Success, Clever

  74 Copy quote

• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

  127 Copy quote

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• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  220 Copy quote

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  104 Copy quote

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• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

  George Burns

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co

  107 Copy quote

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• Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Oscar Wilde (1947). “The Happy Prince”, p.16, New Line Publishing

  125 Copy quote

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• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Love, Marriage, Husband

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  58 Copy quote

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• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

  46 Copy quote

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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

  Darynda Jones

  Funny, Birthday, Humorous

  Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press

  20 Copy quote

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• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

  Les Dawson

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

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• I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

  Patrick Murray

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  50 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Funny, Giving, I Believe

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  752 Copy quote

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