The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
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