Jokes Quotes - Page 27

• That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.

  Alan King

  New Year, Father, Kids

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• I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

  Sam Kinison

  Couple, Church, One Day

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• But for me to have the opportunity to stand in front of a bunch of executives and present myself, I had to hustle in my own way. I can't tell you how frustrating it was that they didn't get that. No joke - I'd leave meetings crying all the time.

  Kanye West

  Opportunity, Hustle, Way

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• An audience who watches my shows knows who I am, knows that right when they think I'm going to make a joke, I'm going to blow something up, or during the worst peril, I'm going to have someone give someone a kiss - it's just going to happen.

  Joss Whedon

  Kissing, Blow, Thinking

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• I always enjoy conversation more if there is some substance to it - which is a just incredibly hilarious thing for me to say because for many, many years I was the guy whose only contribution to any conversation was, 'There was a funny 'Simpson's' joke about that.'

  Joss Whedon

  Years, Guy, Substance

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• You know, I always was an early morning or late night writer. Early morning was my favorite; late night was because you had a deadline. And at four in the morning you make up some of your most absurd jokes.

  Joss Whedon

  Morning, Night, Four

  "Joss Whedon Talks THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, THE AVENGERS, His Writing Process, Comic-Con, Collecting and More". Interview with Steve Weintraub, collider.com. April 5, 2012.

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• The audience today has heard every joke. They know every plot. They know where you're going before you even start. That's a tough audience to surprise, and a tough audience to write for. It's much more competitive now, because the audience is so much more - I want to say sophisticated.

  Betty White

  Writing, Plot, Want

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Everybody I know is a joke writer.

  Ron White

  Knows

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• You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

  Ron White

  Years, Twelve, Albums

  Interview with Guy MacPherson, www.guymacpherson.ca. October 24, 2006.

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• Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen has been the Queensland premier the whole time we've been in Australia, and the state is a national joke for having a Deep North government thats said to resemble governments of a generation or more ago in some parts of the US Deep South - governments that always talk about getting things done and never talk about rights.

  Nick Earls

  Rights, Government, Australia

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• Just because something makes you smile or laugh ... doesn't mean it's a joke.

  David Rees

  Mean, Laughing, Make You Smile

  "Man Versus Machine" by Deirdre Foley Mendelssohn, www.newyorker.com. August 12, 2010.

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• Sorrow comes with so many defense mechanisms. You have your shock, your denial, your getting wasted, your cracking jokes, and your religion. You also have the old standby catchall—the blind belief in fate, the whole "things happening for a reason" drill.

  Emily Giffin

  Fate, Blind Belief, Sorrow

  Emily Giffin (2010). “Baby Proof: A Novel”, p.49, Macmillan

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• You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.

  Tina Fey

  Overthinking, Games, Let It Go

  Tina Fey (2011). “Bossypants”, p.75, Hachette UK

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• The men loved jokes, though they had heard each one before. Jack's manner was persuasive; few of them had seen the old stories so well delivered. Jack himeself laughed a little, but he was able to see the effect his performance had on his audience. The noise of their laughter roared like the sea in his ears. He wanted it louder and louder; he wanted them to drown out the war with their laughter. If the could should loud enough, they might bring the world back to its senses; they might laugh loud enough to raise the dead.

  Sebastian Faulks

  Laughter, War, Men

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• Even in my revenge fantasy where all I do is exercise, I can still do only twenty-five pull-ups. Pull-ups are tough, no joke.

  Mindy Kaling

  Revenge, Exercise, Twenties

  Mindy Kaling (2011). “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)(Enhanced Edition)”, p.205, Crown/Archetype

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• A cowboy, a lawyer, and a mechanic watched Queen of the Damned,” I murmured. Warren—who had once, a long time ago, been a cowboy—snickered and wiggled his bare feet. “It could be the beginning of either a bad joke or a horror story.” “No,” said Kyle, the lawyer, whose head was propped up on my thigh. “If you want a horror story, you have to start out with a werewolf, his gorgeous lover, and a walker.

  Patricia Briggs

  Queens, Cowboy, Horror Stories

  Patricia Briggs (2011). “The Mercy Thompson Collection”, p.641, Penguin

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• What a joke! Poor little rich girl's fallen in love with the Republic's most famous criminal.

  Marie Lu

  Girl, Criminals, Republic

  Marie Lu (2011). “Legend”, p.181, Penguin

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• You start out wanting to change the world through language, and end up thinking it's enough to tell a few good jokes.

  David Nicholls

  Thinking, World, Language

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• You make a joke out of everything. Life’s too painful not to.

  Richelle Mead

  Painful

  Richelle Mead (2012). “Richelle Mead Dark Swan Bundle: Storm Born, Thorn Queen, Iron Crowned & Shadow Heir”, p.326, Zebra Books

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• It was one of God's jokes that such a dumb mind had been put in such an eloquent body.

  Charlaine Harris

  Dumb, Lust, Mind

  Charlaine Harris (2001). “Dead Until Dark: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel”, p.64, Penguin

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• Whenever I'm sick, my doctor jokes that I have Beiber Fever!

  Justin Bieber

  Doctors, Sick, Fever

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• Sometimes I feel that I am destined always to be offstage whenever the main action occurs. That God has made me the victim of some cosmic practical joke, by assigning me little more than a walk-on part in my own life. Or sometimes I feel that my role is simply to be a spectator to other people's stories, and always to wander away at the most important moment, drifiting into the kitchen to make a cup of tea just as the denouement unfolds.

  Jonathan Coe

  People, Kitchen, Tea

  Jonathan Coe (2001). “The rotters' club”

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• Listen up. You're in trouble. Word is the Capitol's furious about you showing them up in the arena. The one thing they can't stand is being laughed at and they're the joke of Panem

  Suzanne Collins

  Arena, Hunger, Trouble

  Suzanne Collins (2013). “The Hunger Games Complete Trilogy”, p.246, Scholastic UK

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• They make a fuss about Hogsmeade, but I assure you, Harry, it's not all it's cracked up to be. All right, the sweetshop's rather good, and Zonko's Joke Shop's frankly dangerous, and yes, the Shrieking Shack is always worth a visit, but really, Harry, apart from that, you're not missing anything.

  J. K. Rowling

  Missing, Shack, Dangerous

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• We are all susceptible to the pull of viral ideas. Like mass hysteria. Or a tune that gets into your head that you keep humming all day until you spread it to someone else. Jokes. Urban legends. Crackpot religions. Marxism. No matter how smart we get, there is always this deep irrational part that makes us potential hosts for self-replicating information.

  Neal Stephenson

  Smart, Urban Legends, Self

  "Snow Crash". Book by Neal Stephenson, 1992.

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