Jokes Quotes - Page 36

• Bettman is an asshole. A frikkin asshole. I think he's ruined the game of hockey. He's supposed to be impartial. He's supposed to speak for the good of the league, but in my opinion, he's strictly behind the owners. Those 1996 rule changes are a joke

  Bob Probert

  Hockey, Thinking, Games

  7 Copy quote

• All human populations are in some sense immigrants. All hostility between different cultures in one place has an aspect of the classic immigrant grudge against the next boatload approaching the shore. To defend one’s home and fields and ancestral graves against invasion seems a right. But to claim unique possession – to compound the fact of settlement with the aspect of a landscape into an abstract of eternal and immutable ownership – is a joke.

  Neal Ascherson

  Home, Unique, Population

  4 Copy quote

• Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before. We can actually finish jokes.

  Aries Spears

  Thinking, Able, Comedy

  10 Copy quote

• I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human.

  Rainn Wilson

  Mean, Thinking, Awkward

  8 Copy quote

• I sometimes joke that when I die, my tombstone will say, 'Here lies the guy who hired Jonathan Ive.'

  Robert Brunner

  Tombstone, Lying, Guy

  "An Oral History Of Apple Design: 1992" by Max Chafkin, www.fastcodesign.com. September 03, 2013.

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• One time when somebody showed up in a wedding dress, but I never knew if it was a joke, or she was serious. She asked me to marry her. She was serious. It was pretty funny.

  Bryan White

  Wedding, Dresses, Serious

  7 Copy quote

• Gracious dying is a huge, macabre and expensive joke on the American public.

  Jessica Mitford

  Dying, Macabre, Gracious

  29 Copy quote

• Challenging someone is good. You need to do it. Sometimes they don't even realize you're doing it, like when you joke with a goalie, 'What's wrong today? You losing it?

  Sidney Crosby

  Challenges, Goalies, Today

  6 Copy quote

• The world is a very serious and, at times, very sad place - but at other times it is all such a joke.

  George Harrison

  World, Serious, Very Sad

  4 Copy quote

• The whole westward expansion myth is seen as romantic. But its a joke, a blot on American history.

  Frank Waters

  Expansion, American History, Myth

  65 Copy quote

• Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

  Frank Carson

  Racist

  "Frank Carson obituary" by Dennis Barker, www.theguardian.com. February 22, 2012.

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• Crusaders have just f-ked me over what a bas-rd joke, excuse my language I'm absolutely furious.

  Keith Senior

  Rugby League, Keds, Language

  4 Copy quote

• I can tell jokes. I can talk to the audience. I can relax. I can change my songs whenever I want. I can change the tempos. I can change the mood, because I'm in charge.

  Robert Goulet

  Song, Relax, Want

  4 Copy quote

• The next best thing to a very good joke is a very bad one.

  Julius Charles Hare

  Next, Very Good, Best Things

  Julius Charles Hare, Augustus William Hare, Edward Hayes Plumptre (1871). “Guesses at Truth”, p.162

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• In your thirties, you're much more comfortable with sex. First of all, sex is something you've done more. You know you can have sex just to have sex; you can have sex with friends; you can have sex with people you love; you can have sex with people you don't like, but the sex is good. And you can joke about sex much more.

  Julie Delpy

  Sex, Love You, People

  4 Copy quote

• Some people know that they are so adorable looking, all they have to do is smile and dress up and they get plenty from that. Then there are some of us who, early on, see that that doesn't work. So we joke about it.

  Merrill Markoe

  Smile, Adorable, People

  13 Copy quote

• A Swedish newspaper reporter called and said, You've been awarded the Prize. I was quite sure it was a practical joke.

  Joshua Lederberg

  Newspapers, Newspaper Reporters, Said

  7 Copy quote

• Let the surgeon take care to regulate the whole regimen of the patient's life for joy and happiness by promising that he will soon be well, by allowing his relatives and special friends to cheer him and by having someone tell him jokes, and let him be solaced also by music on the viol or psaltery. The surgeon must forbid anger, hatred, and sadness in the patient, and remind him that the body grows fat from joy and thin from sadness.

  Henri de Mondeville

  Cheer, Sadness, Science

  7 Copy quote

• You want a story? Read 'Gone With the Wind'. These aren't stories. They're joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been done to death.

  Brian P. Cleary

  Book, Wind, Gone

  4 Copy quote

• Kids enjoy laughing and are seldom bored when they find something funny. They also ask questions, often to adults, because they understand that the more words they can comprehend about a funny story or a joke, the more they'll enjoy it.

  Brian P. Cleary

  Kids, Laughing, Bored

  5 Copy quote

• Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.

  George Mikes

  Peace, War, Aggressive

  George Mikes (1970). “Humour in memoriam”

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Gay

  14 Copy quote

• I think you actually get a kick out of being disappointed and under-achieving, because it's easier, isn't it? Failure and unhappiness is easier because you can make a joke out of it.

  David Nicholls

  Thinking, Unhappiness, Achieve

  David Nicholls (2009). “One Day”, p.42, Hachette UK

  5 Copy quote

  Show source

• You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Girl, Spiritual

  "Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh". Documentary, Comedy, 2003.

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

  Chelsea Handler

  Stupid, Stupid Jokes

  4 Copy quote