Jokes Quotes - Page 39

• When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly - constant horrible jokes and gross behaviour. It needs to be leavened with a feminine presence.

  Evan Dando

  Journey, Ugly, Awful

  "I can't completely let go of drugs - and I don't want to" by Mat Snow, www.theguardian.com. August 23, 2006.

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• If you were on the phone with me and Tommy right now, we would probably forget you were there, we'd just be cracking jokes. It's like Beavis and Butthead.

  Nikki Sixx

  Phones, Forget You, Beavis

  Wisconsin Music interview, wisconsinmusic.net. February 23, 2005.

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• I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this.

  Julia Sweeney

  Realizing, Minutes

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• I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.

  Sandra Bernhard

  Comic, Bad Jokes, Performers

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• All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us.

  Yahoo Serious

  Mirrors, Trying, Comedy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Perhaps our Irish friends should not so completely turn their backs on their historical dishes, no matter how many jokes they might have to endure.

  Nick Clooney

  Historical, Might, Matter

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• Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.

  Jim Fowler

  Monologues

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• I think the more the actor lets you know what he thinks of the character, the less the audience cares - like a comedian who laughs at his own jokes.

  Neil LaBute

  Character, Thinking, Laughing

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• You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically.

  Hector Elizondo

  Mean, Scripts, Dots

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.

  Sanaa Lathan

  People, Black, Firsts

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• I asked a thief to steal me a peach: He turned up his eyes. I asked a lithe lady to lie her down: Holy and meek, she cries. As soon as I went An angel came. He winked at the thief And smiled at the dame- And without one word spoke Had a peach from the tree, And 'twixt earnest and joke Enjoyed the lady.

  William Blake

  Lying, Eye, Angel

  William Blake, W. H. Stevenson (2007). “Blake: The Complete Poems”, p.153, Pearson Education

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• Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?

  Aristophanes

  Laughter, Laughing, Cracks

  Aristophanes (2008). “The Birds and Other Plays: Easyread Comfort Edition”, p.228, ReadHowYouWant.com

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• How you speak and the words you use tell much about the image you choose to portray. Use language to build and uplift those around you. Profane, vulgar, or crude language and inappropriate or off-color jokes are offensive to the Lord. Never misuse the name of God or Jesus Christ. The Lord said, "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" (Ex. 20:7).

  Thomas S. Monson

  Uplifting, Jesus, Color

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• But she took her husband's jokes and joviality as patiently as everything else, considering that "men would be so", and viewing the stronger sex in the light of animals whom it had pleased Heaven to make naturally troublesome, like bulls and turkey-cocks.

  George Eliot

  Sex, Husband, Animal

  George Eliot (1998). “Silas Marner: The Weaver of Raveloe”, OUP Oxford

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• The last man that makes a joke owns it.

  Finley Peter Dunne

  Humor, Men, Lasts

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• Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards, and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke.

  Garrison Keillor

  Humor, Laughing, Doe

  Garrison Keillor (1990). “We Are Still Married: Stories and Letters”, p.14, Penguin

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• I make jokes about the fact that as a neuro-surgeon I shouldn't be required at a motor race because the drivers don't have any brains.... otherwise they wouldn't race.

  Sid Watkins

  Race, Racing, Brain

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• Paris and Nicky Hilton? Those girls will show up to the opening of a phone book. It's like a big joke.

  Rachel Perry

  Girl, Book, Paris

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• For me, anything goes when I pick up a mike. I'm not trying to hurt people - I try not to get too personal - but I look at myself as a reporter. If you can report on anything that has to do with pop culture, then why can't I make jokes about it? Yes, it hurts. But I figure that laughter sometimes starts from pain. You might wince, but then I know that I'm doing my job. The only thing I can do wrong is not be funny.

  Chris Rock

  Hurt, Jobs, Laughter

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

  Jon Stewart

  Writing, Thinking, Next Day

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• When Harel wished to put a joke or witticism into circulation, he was in the habit of connecting it with some celebrated name, on the chance of reclaiming it if it took. Thus he assigned to Talleyrand, in the "Nain Jaune," the phrase, "Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts."

  Louis Edouard Fournier

  Men, Names, Phrases

  "Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations" by Jehiel Keeler Hoyt, p. 740-45, L'Esprit dans l'Histoire, 1922.

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• One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.

  Doug Larson

  Nice, Chance, Clean

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• We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to be cremated." I said, "Alright, get your coat."

  Dave Spikey

  Mother, Blue, Law

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• My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog.

  Gary Delaney

  Mother, Dog, Mean

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• The repeat run of Fawlty Towers (BBC2) drew bigger audiences than ever and deservedly so. Statistical surveys reveal that only the television critic of the Spectator is incapable of seeing the joke, which is that Basil Fawlty has the wrong temperament to be a hotel proprietor, just as some other people have the wrong temperament to be television critics.

  Clive James

  Running, People, Television

  Clive James (2017). “Glued To The Box”, p.127, Pan Macmillan

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