I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.
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