I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
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