I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.
Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.
Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.
The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.
Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.
Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends