I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.
Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.
A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.
If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.
If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.
Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?
Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.
When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.
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