I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.
If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.
I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.
Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.
Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.
You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.
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