Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.
Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.
Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.
A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.
Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.
It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.
Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.
Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.
I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?
Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.
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