The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity, but in being uninteresting.
Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.
Presence is more than just being there.
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
The male - I have found - is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
All diseases run into one, old age.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
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