The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
A woman's flattery may inflate a man's head a little; but her criticism goes straight to his heart, and contracts it so that it can never again hold quite as much love for her.
If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices.
What you call flaws are really just scars and wounds accumulated over a lifetime.
A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.
I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
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