Humorous Quotes - Page 13

• A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Perfect

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• In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, God, Crazy

  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Fit the Fifth" (radio program) (1978)

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• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Sarcastic, Anger

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• Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

  Edward de Bono

  Funny, Wisdom, Creativity

  86 Copy quote

• There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.

  Bill Bowerman

  Funny, Motivational, Nike

  206 Copy quote

• I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Witty, Atheist

  George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  Jim Carrey

  Funny, Laughter, Women

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  You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit.

  Guy Debord

  Love, Funny, Garbage Disposal

  "Yes, too many of us are in pointless jobs - but don't despair" by Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett, www.theguardian.com. January 6, 2015.

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• Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

  Albert Einstein

  Love, Inspirational, Romantic

  38 Copy quote

• Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.46, St. Martin's Press

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• If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

  Henry Ford

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

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  ...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, People, Trying

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• Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.

  Christine Lagarde

  Inspirational, Funny, Change

  "'Roasted, toasted, fried and grilled': climate-change talk from an unlikely source" by David Runnalls, www.theglobeandmail.com. February 1, 2013.

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• If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.

  Joyce Meyer

  Funny, Christian, Religious

  Joyce Meyer (2011). “Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You”, p.88, Hachette UK

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• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  In Saturday Review 25 Aug. 1962

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• I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

  Elayne Boosler

  Relationship, Men, Solitude

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

  Jay Leno

  Inspirational, Mother, Children

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• Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind, as you are aware, Watson, but my experience of life has taught me that there are few wives having any regard for their husbands who would let any man's spoken word stand between them and that husband's dead body. Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.

  Arthur Conan Doyle

  Husband, Lying, Sarcasm

  Arthur Conan Doyle, General Press (2016). “The Complete Sherlock Holmes: All 56 Stories & 4 Novels”, p.1192, GENERAL PRESS

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• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Funny, Positive, Witty

  "Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time". Book by Laurence J. Peter, p. 362, 1977.

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• If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

  J. Paul Getty

  Money, Powerful, Business

  "The Great Getty". Book by Robert Lenzner, 1985.

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• Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

  Harry Warner

  Inspirational, Witty, Silly

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.

  Frank A. Clark

  Dog, Witty, Home

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• I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Dance, Witty

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• It is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved? It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both: but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.

  Niccolo Machiavelli

  Love, Witty, Powerful

  Niccolo Machiavelli (2015). “The Prince”, p.64, Booklassic

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