George Carlin Quotes - Page 15

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• No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  16 Copy quote

• I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  "You Are All Diseased". Book by George Carlin, 1999.

  12 Copy quote

• At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

  George Carlin

  Thinking, Age, Three

  8 Copy quote

• I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

  George Carlin

  Sorry, Feel Better, Men

  George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

  9 Copy quote

• I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

  George Carlin

  Stupid, Thinking, Law

  12 Copy quote

• Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

  George Carlin

  Sweaters, Looks

  George Carlin (2001). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, p.94, Hachette UK

  7 Copy quote

• The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

  George Carlin

  Religious, War, People

  11 Copy quote

• I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices - and on stage those feelings sometimes are exaggerated for a theatric stage - you're on a stage you have an audience of 2500 or 3000 people: you need to project the feelings, the emotions it's heightened, and people mistake it for a personal anger but it's more dissatisfaction, disappointment and contempt for these things we've settled for.

  George Carlin

  Disappointment, Mistake, People

  Source: www.psychologytoday.com

  15 Copy quote

• Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

  George Carlin

  America, Usual, Buying

  21 Copy quote

• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

  George Carlin

  Party, Cooking Dinner, Bathroom

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  8 Copy quote

• Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

  George Carlin

  Holiday, Law, Boring

  10 Copy quote

• Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

  George Carlin

  Real, Causes, Sides

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  9 Copy quote

• If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

  George Carlin

  Comedy, Genuine, Ifs

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.86, Hachette UK

  8 Copy quote

• I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

  George Carlin

  Religious, Atheist, Ideas

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  36 Copy quote

• Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

  George Carlin

  Sex, Guy, Sometimes

  6 Copy quote

• As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality.

  George Carlin

  Stars, House, I Love My Family

  Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

  16 Copy quote

• Electricity is really just organized lightning.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  27 Copy quote

• When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

  George Carlin

  Movie, Horse, Kids

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  72 Copy quote

• One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

  George Carlin

  Philosophy, Thinking, Self

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  15 Copy quote

• We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

  George Carlin

  Watches, Looks, Facts

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  5 Copy quote

• But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

  George Carlin

  Positivity, Ideas, Laughing

  12 Copy quote

• Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.

  George Carlin

  Giving Up, Ideas, Giving

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  5 Copy quote

• There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

  George Carlin

  Two, Idiot, Type

  7 Copy quote

• I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one."; "If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach."; "Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman."

  George Carlin

  Father, Drinking, Kissing

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.657, Hachette UK

  13 Copy quote

• Most people are not particularly good at anything.

  George Carlin

  People

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  11 Copy quote

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