David Letterman Quotes - Page 7

Quotes about:

• Here's a woman, a real pioneer for other women looking for careers in stand-up comedy. And talk about guts - she would come out here and sit in this chair and say some things that were unbelievable - where you would have to swallow pretty hard... but it was hilarious... the force of her comedy was overpowering.

  David Letterman

  Leadership, Fashion, Real

  "Joan Rivers Dead: Hollywood Mourns Comedian" by Hilary Lewis, www.hollywoodreporter.com. September 4, 2014.

  4 Copy quote

• The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'

  David Letterman

  Office, Way, Stamps

  4 Copy quote

• Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

  David Letterman

  Naughty, Santa, Today

  11 Copy quote

• United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

  David Letterman

  Worst Enemy, Airline, United

  4 Copy quote

• Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Holiday, Airports

  23 Copy quote

• New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

  David Letterman

  New York, Cities, Getting High

  4 Copy quote

• You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

  David Letterman

  Slumps, Dinner, Too Much

  4 Copy quote

• Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

  David Letterman

  Drinking, Believe, Economic Sanctions

  6 Copy quote

• Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

  David Letterman

  Kings, Years, Waiting

  4 Copy quote

• The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

  David Letterman

  Art, Sunday, Awards

  4 Copy quote

• Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Sarcastic, Iraq

  18 Copy quote

• I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.

  David Letterman

  Inspirational, Summer, Beach

  4 Copy quote

• Have you seen a copy of Tax Tips for Billionaires?

  David Letterman

  Dating, Taxes, Billionaire

  David Letterman (1994). “Late Night Top Ten Lists”

  4 Copy quote

• If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point — if you didn’t believe it before, you can absolutely believe it now: New York City is the greatest city in the world.

  David Letterman

  New York, Believe, Cities In The World

  4 Copy quote

• Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.

  David Letterman

  Confused, Keys, Two

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• Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one.

  David Letterman

  Running, Should Have, President

  6 Copy quote

• I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock.

  David Letterman

  Rocks, Giving, Monkeys

  4 Copy quote

• Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

  David Letterman

  Thinking, Heaven, Yeah

  4 Copy quote

• The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

  David Letterman

  Dog, Confused, Spring

  12 Copy quote

• Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies.

  David Letterman

  Pie, Moments, Admire

  6 Copy quote

• Childhood. I wish I had something to complain about.

  David Letterman

  Childhood, Wish, Complaining

  7 Copy quote

• Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.

  David Letterman

  Evil, Family And Friends, Together

  5 Copy quote

• Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

  David Letterman

  Years, Machines, Today

  4 Copy quote

• I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal
  to me -- the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars.

  David Letterman

  Sweet, Stars, War

  4 Copy quote

• You all know Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that's the case, what is Mitt short for? It's short for 'Mittens.'

  David Letterman

  People, Mittens, Newton

  6 Copy quote

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