Funny Marriage Quotes - Page 5

• No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

  Honore de Balzac

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. The Physiology of Marriage Meditation V, Aphorism 28

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• For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.

  Catherine Zeta-Jones

  Love, Marriage, Soulmate

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Marriage

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.22, BookBaby

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• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

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• We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

  Mort Sahl

  Marriage, Children, Broken

  Mort Sahl (1976). “Heartland”, New York : Harcourt Brace Jovanovich

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• Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!

  Kathy Lette

  Jokes

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• If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

  Bob Phillips

  Wife, Want, Another Woman

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• 

  If I get married, I want to be very married.

  Audrey Hepburn

  Inspiring, Marriage, Wedding

  46 Copy quote

• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

  Henny Youngman

  Marriage, Faces, Comedy

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• Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

  Kathy Lette

  Funny, Women, Cocky

  FaceBook post by Kathy Lette from Feb 25, 2013

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• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

  Herbert V. Prochnow

  Love, Funny, Relationship

  Herbert V. Prochnow (1994). “1000 Stories and Illustrations for All Occasions”, Baker Publishing Group

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• A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

  Charles Baudelaire

  Funny, Cute, Marriage

  63 Copy quote

• If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.

  Estelle Getty

  Sorry, Memorable, Mean

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• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  64 Copy quote

• The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.

  Gabriel Garcia Marquez

  Marriage, Wedding, Morning

  Love in the Time of Cholera (1985)

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• Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit out of it.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Mistake, Thinking, Habit

  "The Mixture as Before". Book by W. Somerset Maugham, 1940.

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• The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn't marry me.

  Robert Breault

  Marriage, Race, Want

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• Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do.

  Bettina Arndt

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  Arndt, Bettina, Bettina Arndt (2009). “The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex And Other Bedroom Battles”, p.60, Melbourne Univ. Publishing

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• Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Joan Rivers obituary" by Michael Carlson, www.theguardian.com. September 04, 2014.

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• To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart - about a finger's breadth - for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

  Marnie Reed Crowell

  Love, Marriage, Fire

  Marnie Reed Crowell (1973). “Greener pastures”

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• Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.

  Laozi

  Relationship, Marriage, Couple

  25 Copy quote

• I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

  Maria Bamford

  Relationship, Kissing, Shopping

  "Comedy Central Presents (Maria Bamford)". TV Series, July 2, 2001.

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• Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

  Milton Berle

  Life, Sex, Wife

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• Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

  Georg C. Lichtenberg

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  22 Copy quote

• Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

  Paul Hornung

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  51 Copy quote